OK, well, it appears Easter has crept up on all of us a little bit earlier than expected this year, so let’s just go down the list of essentials real quick to make sure we’re fully prepared for the occasion: Leg of a dead animal to represent our dead savior, who we’re supposed to then cannibalize, we guess? Check. Plastic eggs filled with sweets that we’re gonna tell our kids came from a non-egg-laying creature with no discernible connection to Jesus? We certainly can’t go without those. A list of holiday-themed jokes to temporarily get our minds off our annoying relatives? Don’t sweat it, we’ve got you covered on that one. Keep on scrolling there, buddy, and Happy Easter to you, too.
9. GREG GIRALDO SHARES HIS THOUGHTS ON FASTING
“Some people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross. I’m sure Jesus really appreciates the gesture. ‘Hey, God, get in here. We gotta open up the pearly gates. This fat bitch is going 40 days without a Kit Kat bar.’”
8. CONAN O’BRIEN WITH A “TOP-QUALITY” EASTER JOKE
“Yesterday I found out that my darling daughter no longer believes in the Easter Bunny. Yeah, yeah. I read it in an email from one of her professors. She’s 48.”
7. JEFF ROSS SHARES ONE OF THE FIRST JOKES HE EVER WROTE
“I’m Jewish. I’m proud of that, but I’m not that religious. I go to temple like twice a year…Easter and Christmas.”
6. JIM GAFFIGAN IMAGINES WHAT THE CONCEPTION OF EASTER WAS LIKE
“Easter, that’s a weird tradition. ‘Easter, the day Jesus rose from the dead. What should we do?’ ‘How ‘bout eggs?’ ‘Well, what does that have to do with Jesus? ‘Alright, we’ll hide ‘em.’ ‘I don’t follow your logic.’ ‘Don’t worry, there’s a bunny.’”
5. GEORGE CARLIN TRIES TO PUT ONE OVER ON HIS LOCAL PRIEST
“Father, hey, uh, suppose that you didn’t make your Easter duty, and it’s Pentecost Sunday: the last day. And you’re on a ship at sea, and the chaplain goes into a coma. But you wanted to receive. And then it’s Monday: too late. But then you cross the International Date Line…”
4. RICKY GERVAIS WITH A FRIENDLY REMINDER
“Have a lovely Easter. And remember, if you don’t sin, then Jesus died for nothing.”
3. SAM KINISON WEIGHS IN ON THE RESURRECTION OF CHRIST
“Jesus comes back, and he doesn’t get any pressure. No static, nobody’s upset. He climbs out, he’s walking around, nobody’s upset. They can eat with him and everything, you know? It’s like, ‘Isn’t that guy dead?’ ‘Yeah, but he’s real stubborn, man. He won’t accept it.’”
2. PATRICE O’NEAL ON THE HORRIBLE THINGS WE CELEBRATE
“We don’t celebrate, like, Peach Cobbler Day or, you know, Honeydew Melon day. We celebrate horrible shit. ‘Mommy, how come we’re looking for painted eggs in the bushes?’ ‘Well, sweetie, cuz the Jews and the Romans f—-d Jesus up. They whooped his ass. Beat the shit out of him. Now let’s have fun. Let’s have a wonderful time finding these eggs on the back of Jesus, sweetie.’”
1. BILL HICKS SUGGESTS A CREATIVE ALTERNATIVE TO THE EASTER BUNNY
“I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we’re f—-d up as a race, anybody? Anybody got any clues out there? Where do you get this s–t from, you know? Why those two things, you know? Why not goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer, you know? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog-wild, you know? At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back going across your floor to your sock drawer has miraculous connotation to it.”
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