Have you noticed that “working on yourself” has become more of a taxing full-time job than a healthy personal goal?
No matter where you look today, you’ll easily find (or be bombarded by) self-help content telling you how to be a better person. Whether it’s gaining more confidence, becoming more assertive in relationships, learning emotional regulation, or improving your physique, it seems there’s always something we can improve about ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong, self-improvement is important—and it’s one of my priorities. But if you don’t find balance in your life, it can quickly snowball into more of a self-deprecating routine than a meaningful healing journey.
A hypervigilant Self-Help World
In the self-help corner of the internet, it can feel irresponsible to not treat yourself like a project—or worse: a problem that needs fixing. By constantly consuming content that pathologizes our pain and humanness, we tend to believe we are deeply flawed or even morally reprehensible.
For example, I recently saw a post online that labeled insecure people as self-absorbed, harmful, and abnormal. It was nuanced and raised some valid points, many of which I agreed with. But it also bordered on demonizing what is often a devastating effect of trauma, abuse, neglect, and even mental health disorders.
I believe this type of content is well-intentioned, merely calling out negative patterns and encouraging vulnerable self-reflection. But it can also create a sense of hypervigilance in those who are already mentally or emotionally suffering. Empathy for ourselves and others (with boundaries!) can go a long way.
None of us is perfect. We can all be annoying, selfish, insecure, messy, jealous, and defensive, sometimes making these traits our entire personality for some time. Does this mean we shouldn’t recognize our faults and try to be a better version of ourselves? Of course, not.
But sometimes, it’s okay to admit you’re imperfect, without shaming yourself, and while working on yourself. The right people will love you despite your flaws, encouraging growth at the same time. There is no rush to the finish line.
When ‘Working on Yourself’ Becomes a Full-Time Job
I don’t know about you, but when I first got into self-help and “doing the work,” it became a compulsion to me. I wasn’t operating from a place of love, but rather a place of fear and shame. I ridiculed myself for every minor mistake I made, analyzed every conversation I had to ensure I was kind and grounded, and devoured every self-help book I could get my hands on.
But I wasn’t actually doing the work, like feeling my emotions or processing my grief. I was just over-intellectualizing my behavior and beating myself to a pulp for not “being better.”
Self-improvement is an incredible goal that everyone should prioritize, but it shouldn’t hold merit over your joy, presence, and self-expression. Trust me, I had to learn this the hard way, as I used to find purpose and fulfillment in bettering myself each day. In fact, I still do! There’s nothing wrong with that.
But also remember, you don’t need to be perfect to deserve love and respect. You can skip your five-step morning routine and just sip your coffee while reading a smutty romance novel. You can binge-watch trashy reality TV after a long day at work instead of journaling about your day. You are allowed to enjoy your life without turning it into a performance improvement plan.
The most healing happens when you actually let yourself live.
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