This spring I’ll be marrying my amazing partner. It will be his second marriage, my first. We’ve planned a very intimate wedding weekend with our immediate family and a few friends. My parents are both 80, and getting them across the country to the wedding is no small task — but they’re up for it. My fiancé’s father died long ago, but his mother, who is in her 70s, lives an hour away.
Unfortunately she’s an alcoholic. Last summer she was arrested three times for D.U.I. and spent six months in jail. During that time, my fiancé managed his mother’s finances and assumed care of her dying mother (his grandmother). His mother is now out of jail and has lost her driver’s license, so he and some of her friends take her to parole meetings and doctor appointments. On Thanksgiving, when my fiancé’s mother was driven to our new home by her grandson, she showed up drunk, stumbling and yelling. She ruined the day, yelling at her grandson when he refused to sneak her booze (there wasn’t any in the house). She has also been known to hit people when she’s drunk.
My fiancé is a recovering alcoholic himself and has more compassion for his mother than I do. It’s been hard for me to move past her D.U.I.s, the lives she could have destroyed and everything she’s already put her son through. At this point I don’t want her at our wedding, because alcohol will be served. My fiancé thinks there’s still hope she could turn things around before then. If she comes, though, I’ll spend the entire weekend on edge. I can’t put my family through what she put us through on Thanksgiving, even though I understand his wanting her to be there. Is it wrong to ask him to uninvite her? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
There’s an ethical distinction between accepting risks yourself and imposing them on others. Your fiancé understandably wants his mother at his wedding, but he wants the stable, loving version of her, not the havoc-wreaking drunken one. The problem is that he can’t control which version shows up. And you reasonably don’t want to spend a once-in-a-lifetime event bracing for a disruptive, potentially violent scene. Your parents and invited friends deserve better than that.
So there’s a meaningful wedding gift he can give you. He can tell his mother that, given her past behavior, he has sadly decided that she cannot attend this small celebration. As a recovering alcoholic, he can also tell her, truthfully, that he knows how hard it would be for her to be at a wedding where alcohol is served. In the same conversation, he might urge her, as he no doubt has before, to seek help for her addiction. Here, too, he can speak from experience. By having this painful conversation, he would be showing compassion both to his mother and to the people gathered to celebrate your marriage, including his soon-to-be wife. He’ll continue to love his mother and to hope for her recovery. You’re simply asking him to start this marriage by protecting the life you are building together.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who wondered whether she was obligated to read a book her friend had written about a traumatic event. She wrote:
I’ve had a close friend for many years who lives with the trauma of having been sexually abused when she was younger. … Some time ago, she wrote a book about her experience, which included details of the abuse. I congratulated her on this brave undertaking, but I told her that I didn’t think I could handle reading the book. I avoid reading or watching things with abusive or violent story lines as they are extremely upsetting to me, and at the time I was already struggling with multiple crises in my family. She said it was OK. Later, however, she ghosted me. Recently she contacted me to say that anyone who won’t read her book is not her friend and that by not facing her trauma I am contributing to the greater problem in the world. … I don’t want to lose this friendship, but I don’t want to read the book, and this ultimatum doesn’t seem fair. Am I being a bad friend? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Obviously this isn’t just a book to your friend. This is a record of her victimization, and it’s deeply meaningful to her. You’ve recognized that and responded appropriately. Has she? Her decree that any friend of hers must read her memoir reflects a view of the relationship in which her needs alone set the terms. She says you’re not a friend; I’d say you’re a friend with boundaries. Worse, she’s now bullying you. Someone who, feeling vulnerable and dealing with family crises, declines to read a painful account of sexual abuse is accused of being part of the problem? This reaction may be a symptom of her own wounds or an emerging personality trait. Yet it’s telling that you seem to be the only one mourning the estrangement. Hers is the real failure of empathy on display, and the bad friend here isn’t you. It may be time to turn the page.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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As someone who was slashed dozens of times in a stabbing attack, I’ve learned firsthand to be empathetic with the boundaries of friends and family. Everyone has their own way to be supportive, but many are clear that the details of my experience are too much to hear. This includes my spouse. Unlike the letter writer’s friend, I view this as a sign of the deep love and concern they have for me — and the personal wounds they experience just from hearing about my assault. — Tom
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My opinion: Try to read the book, since it means so much to your friend. You already know what happened to her; it’s not going to be a horrible surprise. If you get to a certain point and can’t handle any more, stop. Then tell her the truth. If she cares about you at all, she will respect that. — Diane
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Isolating their victim is part of the “skill” of abusers. For many victims of abuse — whether it be verbal, financial, physical or sexual — that is an additional harm. Most of us in recovery need to tell our story until we really, truly feel heard. It sounds like the letter writer’s friend is still in that stage. However, the letter writer is right to maintain both her healthy boundaries and her compassion for her friend. — Andrea
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This friend is clearly feeling the need for acknowledgment, however inappropriately she is demanding it. She probably needs more counseling and the support of others who have gone through similar abuse. There are, however, myriad ways for the letter writer to show support and understanding other than reading the book — like donating money in her friend’s name (or copies of the book) to organizations that help abuse victims. — Fiona
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Trauma bends and twists everything in its way. It’s very likely that your friend’s ultimatum and (over)reaction is itself a traumatic response. So perhaps reach out one last time, saying plainly how this feels for you and what you perceive. You may be met with anger and resistance, but you will have offered compassion and honesty, and your friend may in time come to recognize that, even if she can’t today. And your conscience will be clear. — Mike
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