Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is one of the most widely misunderstood and stigmatized mental health disorders out there, as well as one of the most debilitating. In fact, in the U.S., it’s legally considered a disability. Needless to say, it goes far beyond the stereotypical symptoms of cleanliness and organization.
Wondering what OCD really looks like in action? Here are three symptoms of OCD that no one talks about.
1. Ego-Dystonic Intrusive Thoughts
Many people love to preach about the importance of mental health awareness until someone who is actually diagnosed with a condition speaks their truth. Then suddenly, they’re shaming the very essence of their experience. I see this so often on social media when someone opens up about their taboo, ego-dystonic intrusive thoughts.
OCD produces some of the most disturbing, violent images and ideas, often convincing the sufferer that they want to cause harm to themselves or others. For example, when I was first diagnosed with OCD as a child, my biggest fear and most distressing intrusive thought was that I wanted to hurt my mom. This all stemmed from sitting in the kitchen and talking with her while she prepared dinner one night. As she chopped vegetables, I thought, “What if I grabbed the knife and stabbed her?”
I didn’t actually want to do this, of course. I was terrified of somehow losing control and harming her, so much so that I avoided hugging my own mother for weeks until the fear finally passed.
OCD thoughts are inconsistent with a person’s values and incredibly distressing for the sufferer. In other words, they aren’t a reflection of the person’s desires or beliefs. They directly oppose them, which is why OCD patients will usually spend days trying to “rationalize” the thought.
Another common subtype of OCD is called pedophilia-OCD, or POCD, which is essentially an obsessive fear of becoming a pedophile. (Keyword: fear.) Can you imagine how disturbing it must be for those suffering from that particular intrusive thought? Some have avoided their younger family members or even tried to turn themselves in to authorities because they convinced themselves they were monsters.
2. Pathological Guilt
One thing many OCD patients have in common is the inherent belief that they’re a terrible person. I mean, it’s hard to believe you’re good when you’re constantly bombarded with ego-dystonic thoughts like those listed above.
But even when I’m being kind, I still question my intentions and wonder whether I have a selfish reason for behaving that way.
No matter how much I try to remind myself I’m a good friend, partner, daughter, employee, human, etc., my brain will find a way to prove otherwise. Other than anxiety, my most common emotions are guilt and shame. I blame myself for nearly everything, and I can always find a reason to beat myself up. (Newflash: Everyone can, if they’re focusing solely on their mistakes! No one is perfect, but OCD expects you to be.)
3. Poor Sense of Self
It’s difficult to have a solid sense of self when your brain is constantly beating you to a pulp and causing you to question your own values. With the ego-dystonic thoughts and persistent shame, those with OCD often have a weak or underdeveloped identity. They rely heavily on reassurance from others, which in turn gives their power away.
For example, one of my biggest OCD struggles is relationship-OCD (ROCD). This causes me to overanalyze my romantic relationship like it’s a thesis, especially when it comes to how I show up as a partner.
I often have trouble asserting my needs or setting boundaries, because I fear it’s selfish or controlling to do so. (At least, that’s what my OCD tells me.) And so, I will either become who I believe my partner wants me to be, or I will ask other people their opinion on the matter before developing my own.
As I posed in my Substack post titled “Self-Abandonment Will Never Guarantee Love and Safety”: How can you discover who you are if you’re constantly asking for permission from those around you?
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