As someone who has predominantly lived in liberal cities, I am largely surrounded by people who share my political views. Guns, no way. LGBTQ+ rights, yes, of course. Abortion, absolutely. Immigration, come on in.
But I also have relatives, most of whom I love and am deeply attached to, in red states, which means I’m regularly exposed to people across the political spectrum. There are liberals, moderates, conservatives, and a few MAGA individuals in my bloodline. And while I’d like to believe I’m a level-headed, logical human being who gets along with everyone, there’ve been times where I’ve completely lost my cool and snapped at them. Like when one sent an offensive meme about ICE. Or when another laughed at President Donald Trump rudely calling a journalist “piggy.”
When such events occur, my blood pressure spikes. I spit out a string of facts in some sort of ballistic effort to prove they’re wrong, and when we inevitably don’t see eye to eye, I storm out of the room. I’m well aware this isn’t productive, but I also don’t know how to effectively deal with people who needle me about Trump.
To get some tips, I called up two pros on conflict and relationship dynamics and asked them how someone in my position can best cope in these situations. My mind was blown by how realistic and practical their advice was, and for the first time since January 20, 2025, I felt legitimately hopeful I could navigate these moments without winding up hurt and angry. If this is something you also struggle with, take a look at their recommendations below; maybe you’ll feel the same.
Take a beat — and a breath
When I hear a sly comment about, say, the state of reproductive health care in the United States, I don’t merely disagree. Rather, I feel like my personal rights as a woman are being attacked — or, in the case of gender-affirming care or immigration, the rights of my friends and neighbors. Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles, says this is a very common reaction, as the political climate has created tension and ruptures in many people’s personal relationships. “There’s a very strong feeling of, ‘You’re either with us or against us’ on both sides,’” Lurie tells Vox.
As such, when someone makes a crass remark, you may feel cornered or unsafe and become reactive, Lurie says. Your nervous system goes haywire — your heart rate spikes and stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline surge.
Before you say or do anything, Lurie recommends pausing and taking a few deep breaths — or, if deep breathing isn’t your thing, take a few sips of water, go to the bathroom, or pretend to do a quick chore. Doing so will help you ground yourself so you can reply thoughtfully. By slowing down, “you can be purposeful and responsive instead of reactive” when you do reply, Lurie says.
Get curious — and focus on their deeper interests
We’re often quick to judge people based on a quick comment and jump to conclusions about their politics that may not be completely accurate, says Larry Schooler, a professor of conflict resolution and facilitation at the University of Texas at Austin. We also tend to zero in on people’s positions — like how they feel about abortion and gun control — rather than their deeper interests. This sets up a dichotomy where you’re either on the same team or enemies, which can cause the environment to quickly turn hostile, according to Schooler.
People, in general, don’t like to feel judged or criticized and tend to become defensive, angry, or disengaged when they do. They want to feel seen, heard, and respected, Schooler says.
Try his go-to line: “Why is that important to you?”
So, instead of shutting them down, try to get curious about where your family member is coming from. When they share their take, Schooler suggests saying something along the lines of, “What made you say that?” or “What makes you think that?” Or try his go-to line: “Why is that important to you?” If they made a joke that didn’t land for you, Lurie says to go with something like, “I know you’re trying to be funny, but I can’t really laugh at that, but I want to understand what was so funny about it for you?”
Taking this approach can be challenging, especially if you’re fired up and fundamentally disagree with their opinions. But if you can stomach it, you may be able to get someone to expand on their surface level comment or position, giving you a better sense of who they are. Depending on their response, you may see that they formed an opinion based on misinformation they saw on Facebook and are open to learning more about an issue. Or, in the case of abortion, you may discover that they genuinely support access to reproductive healthcare, but feel conflicted religiously or spiritually. You “may not necessarily agree,” Lurie says, “but at least understand what they’re trying to communicate.” And you may even find some common ground instead of solely fixating on your differences, adds Schooler.
Use “I” — not “you” — statements
Using “I statements” — the concept of sharing your feelings and emotions rather than blaming others for their shortcomings — is a tool commonly used in couples therapy, but it can be an effective strategy in political conversations, too. When you’re having a heated discussion with someone, pointing fingers and saying “you did this” can come off as an attack and put them on the defensive, even if you feel justified and like the other person is in the wrong, Schooler says.
A better approach: Express how their comments affect you without criticizing or blaming them. This conveys compassion and cooperation and shows that you’re open to negotiation (even if you really aren’t), research shows. Maybe say, “When you made that joke, I felt really uncomfortable.” “What you’re trying to do is say, ‘Look, I have feelings and those feelings matter,’” Schooler says. You don’t need to justify your emotions or explain yourself beyond that. Ideally, the person will see they’ve agitated you and lay off. If they don’t? Tack on this line: “If we’re going to broach that subject, I’d love to do so intentionally and delicately since we see it very differently.”
Ask for permission to keep the conversation going
In these scenarios, I often feel an intense desire to change the other person’s mind — but, of course, I never have, probably because I lob out unsolicited facts (something literally nobody enjoys). A better tactic is to ask for permission to engage in a conversation about said topic, Schooler says. He recommends saying something to the effect of: “I really can see how big of a deal this is to you. It’s actually also a big deal to me, and I’m wondering if I can share some things about it that resonate with me?”
You may think that because someone introduced a topic they are down to maturely converse about it further, but that’s not always the case. Asking for permission provides the person with an opportunity to listen while also sparing yourself from potential disappointment if they don’t want to engage, according to Schooler. As he says, “It’s better to wait until someone is in a position to listen, even if that’s days or weeks or months, than it would be to try to force it.” This also sets an example for how you’d like to be treated in the future. Instead of assuming you’re open to political jokes and insensitive comments, maybe they, too, will start broaching politics in a more sensitive manner.
And if they don’t? Or if these tips are a bust and you still blow a fuse? Then it may be time to team up with a certified therapist. They can evaluate your unique circumstances and provide personalized tips to help you deal with difficult people and topics. These are intense, uncertain times — everyone’s on edge, everything feels scary, and, at the end of the day, we all (okay…most of us) are just doing the best we can.
The post What to say to relatives who love to needle you about politics appeared first on Vox.
