My daughter has planned a destination wedding in Italy. I’m thrilled for her, though I recognize that the trip is expensive. She invited my two sisters and their families. My sisters are very close to each other, and I often feel like an outsider. Both have said that the trip is too expensive for them but they will attend to “support me” — rather than to celebrate my daughter. I told them I would understand if they didn’t come. Recently, they mentioned they were going to a yoga retreat in Portugal the week before the wedding, but they didn’t invite me. When I asked if I could come, they said, “You don’t like yoga!” Going to the retreat means they will be at the wedding for only two days. I know they’re free to make their own plans, but am I justified in feeling excluded?
SISTER
Like you, I am one of three siblings, so I know a thing or two about shifting alliances and different levels of closeness within trios. I’m sorry that your feelings are hurt. But I think you may be underestimating the positives here as you focus on your exclusion. Let’s look at that — not to negate your feelings, but to put them in a different perspective.
For many people, including your sisters and me, spending thousands of dollars and our scarce free time on destination weddings is not a delight. (For others, it is.) And yet, your sisters are attending the wedding just the same. If they didn’t love you, they might not. That’s not exclusion! (I would also rethink your implied complaint that they aren’t celebrating your daughter sufficiently: They’re going, after all.)
The fact that they have tacked on a yoga retreat — something they will enjoy — to the sunk costs of their itineraries seems clever to me. And your apparent dislike of yoga makes it natural that they would not invite you — or even want you at the retreat with them. Now, I recognize that your distress may reflect longtime feelings of distance from your sisters. But try to recognize, too, the loyalty they are showing you here.
Optimizing Your Cost Per Bite
I am a 29-year-old with a great group of friends. I love to dine out and share dishes with the table. The issue: I had most of my stomach removed 10 years ago after a cancer diagnosis, so I often feel full after just a few bites. Since my friend group tends to split bills per person, I have wasted thousands of dollars on meals that I have barely eaten. My friends are thoughtful and would probably agree to any solution I proposed. Thoughts?
DINER
I’m sorry to hear about your frightening diagnosis as a teenager. I hope things are going well for you now. As for restaurant tabs, I think you have a choice: You can explain the issue to your friends — in whatever degree of medical specificity you are comfortable with — and ask for a separate check. (It sounds as if a single appetizer would suffice for you.) Or you can share in all the dishes, as you prefer. But if you choose to go that route, you should pay the per-person cost along with everyone else. It’s not feasible to divide restaurant bills by the number of bites each diner takes.
‘Me or the Dog?’ You May Not Like the Answer.
Let me start by saying that I’m a dog lover. Most of my friends have dogs, but none of them have trained them. The dogs jump on me, snatch things off countertops, mangle shoes — you get the idea. I’ve had possessions ruined, and it’s getting so that I don’t want to go to my friends’ homes. What should I do?
DOG LOVER
To be clear, all dog owners should train their dogs. But many of us — myself included — get to a certain point in training and then peter out. My 17-pound dog would probably jump up in excitement when you walked through the door. A worse admission: I prefer my dog’s companionship to that of most people. So, be careful how you speak with your friends.
It is totally reasonable to ask that jumping dogs be put on leashes before you enter a house until the dogs settle. And I would not remove my shoes in any home where a dog has ruined them before. But anything beyond this — issuing ultimatums about training or asking for dogs be put in closed bedrooms — may not go over well. You are justified in your objections. Just be pragmatic about addressing them.
That Label Looks Familiar …
My sister and I were invited to a friend’s house for dinner. My sister is given wine frequently, so we brought a nice-looking bottle from her collection as a host gift. Imagine our mortification when we were served a bottle of wine from the same vintner during dinner! We must have regifted the bottle our hosts gave my sister. We were too ashamed to say anything. What should we do now?
GUEST
Absolutely nothing! Unless the vintner produced just two bottles of wine and your hosts purchased both of them, there’s a reasonable chance that you might have bought your gift from the same local wine shop. Going forward, keep track of host gifts with sticky notes identifying the givers.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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