Dear Carolyn: I’m still reeling from a recent breakup but not getting much sympathy or understanding from friends and family.
My girlfriend, “Lisa,” and I were supposed to get married Labor Day weekend, but a few weeks before the wedding, I started to worry that we hadn’t known each other long enough and hadn’t lived together. I’d read that two years is the minimum you should date before getting married. We knew each other just nine months before we got engaged in July and were planning to move in together only after the wedding. Lisa’s parents are really old-fashioned that way.
I did not want to break up at all and thought we should put the wedding on hold, move in together and get married that same time next year. We were just going to the courthouse, so it’s not like this postponement was a big deal. And we’re both 29, so a year would not be a problem for having the kids we both want.
Lisa didn’t see it that way. She gave back the engagement ring and broke things off completely, saying if I wasn’t ready after a year, then I was never going to be ready.
Now, when I tell my friends how hurt I am, they say, “Dude, you canceled the wedding, what did you expect?” I did not cancel, I postponed, so that is not helpful in any way.
What kills me is Lisa is the one who walked away, but she’s getting tons of sympathy and support. I’m just expected to man up or something. Why are people this way?
— Hurt
Hurt: I am sorry about your breakup. It’s definitely not a simple case of Dude-what-did-you-expectedness.
Do humor me, though, and narrow the scope of your question to why your people are this way. You’re reeling, for one thing, and parsing human nature in this moment is not the way to feel better. But also, I think the worries you had and the information you relied on and the “man up” feedback you’re getting are of a piece.
Look closely at your breakup story. It’s only a quick rundown, but still, no indications of talks, with or about Lisa, no consults with your “kitchen cabinet,” no leanings on someone you trust. Your two-year minimum was from something you read, and not living together was borrowing values from Lisa’s parents. Your second thoughts about haste came only after engagement, then you dropped postponement on Lisa versus discussing your worries with her (right? Yikes). Plus, minor points, I think you’d know by now not to use “not a big deal/problem” in the postponing-weddings-and-babies context if you had actually said them out loud to someone more seasoned.
So what I’m left with is just an impression — but it seems that having to figure it out for yourself isn’t limited to your breakup, it’s how you’ve navigated the big questions all along. On your own.
This is not a criticism. I don’t know the source of the problem, assuming it’s true, so I’m not pointing fingers.
But if it is true, then I’m going to give you the worst answer that’s the only answer you want when life kicks you in the teeth: Learn from this.
Learn from your disappointment in friends’ responses, but think bigger, too, that maybe you don’t want it this way in general. You don’t want to navigate by what you read somewhere (no offense taken) and what your girlfriend’s parents think. You don’t want to treat a fiancée like this, dropping unmoderated doubts on her (yikes), and you don’t want to marry someone who would rather not know you at all than take a hot moment to discuss how you feel (you really don’t). Maybe you think “man up” as a GPS sucks. (It does.)
Maybe you want secure, mutual, deep, honest, authentic connections. (With your partner, to start. Ahem.)
Giving shape to that in your mind would represent huge progress, right there. A huge favor from Lisa, too, I might say if it’s not too soon. Truly. Because the “you aren’t allowed to have feelings but I am” door-slam also sucks.
But it’s also just the beginning. The hard work is in the how — of building up the awareness, the skills, and then (one by one by one) the relationships with people who are willing to hear you out on uncomfortable topics, to be vulnerable with you. People who let you give back. And who understand that talking about heavy things all the time is a bit much, so you get some perspective. Oh, and who are within your social reach. This is support in ongoing, network form.
Therapy can help when you’re reeling and get you started on this supportive construction. Or it can be what tides you over with better answers than Dude.
But don’t bean-count Lisa’s support and expect my sympathy; hurting you doesn’t mean she isn’t hurt. Plus, you may feel support is scarce, but infinite resources like love and care are never zero-sum. First rule of a full heart: Never begrudge when others get what they need.
The post Carolyn Hax: After he postponed wedding, fiancée split and took the sympathy with her appeared first on Washington Post.
