Many of us women grew up striving to be the “chill girl” in relationships. You know, the one who’s easygoing, rarely offended, and makes her partner’s life easier—even if it means sacrificing her own comfort and needs in the process.
Thankfully, most of us are waking up to the toxicity of this “chill girl” trend and remembering our inherent value and worth. Here are four ways to drop the “chill girl” mentality, so you can build more meaningful relationships.
1. Start Setting Boundaries
Many people view the “chill girl” as confident and secure, but really, that’s often quite the opposite. Someone with confidence and security does not allow herself to be disrespected, taken for granted, and emotionally neglected. Rather, she sets boundaries that protect her energy, emotions, and wellness.
This isn’t to put down the women with weak boundaries. I was that woman—in fact, in many ways, I still am. It takes years to undo that conditioning. But that people-pleasing bulls—t won’t win you respect or happiness. It will only lead you further from the type of love you need and deserve.
2. Define Your Values and Morals
You know what they say: if you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything. The same goes for relationships. If you don’t have your own values and morals that are important to you, you’ll continue to give your power away to others, often in the name of being “chill.”
You don’t owe anyone accommodation, especially not at your own cost.
3. Stop Over-Accommodating
Women are often expected to accommodate their partners. Traditional gender roles expected women to be the peacemakers and nurturers in relationships, emotionally and even physically caring for their husbands. On the other hand, men were expected to provide financial security and physical safety. Though the roles have shifted and transformed in many ways, some women still feel conditioned to make other people’s lives easier, whether in their romantic relationships, friendships, professional lives, or even local communities.
The “chill girl” is the woman who goes with the flow—or really, whatever her partner wants. She doesn’t voice her opinion or create any tension within the relationship. For example, in past relationships, I used to say I was okay with dynamics I wasn’t actually comfortable with. I tried so desperately to accommodate my partners because I thought that would make me easier to love. And so, I wouldn’t voice any time I was let down. If they wanted to cancel at the last minute or show up hours late to a date night for the fifth time in a row, I would try to be understanding. If they wanted to get lunch with their ex-girlfriend, then sure, that was fine! I was chill! (I wasn’t at all, actually. I was dying inside, and my intuition was screaming a truth I was denying, which would eventually be confirmed post-breakup.)
4. Let People Show Up For You
Many women have been conditioned to give without taking. But the strongest and most fulfilled women I know allow their partners to show up for them. They don’t downplay their feelings or needs just to make someone else happy. They know their satisfaction is just as important as their partners’.
Some women, unfortunately, fall into martyrdom, sacrificing their needs and even well-being for others while asking for nothing in return. Often, this is done subconsciously to obtain sympathy or adoration. But once they experience the inevitable burnout and lack of appreciation from their partners, their unmet needs breed resentment and anger. This is a recipe for disaster in relationships. You can’t blame someone else for your pattern of self-neglect, but you can set your own boundaries and voice your own needs. No one else can do it for you.
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