Compliments are great. Who doesn’t love a compliment? Unless you’re on a dating app, anyway. You match with someone, they send you a DM, and the compliments are laid on thick. Sometimes they can be charming, other times, you know right away that they’re just part of a strategy.
A recent survey from the dating app Hily found that more than half of young American women see too many compliments early in dating as a red flag, and 73 percent view it as a way to speed up intimacy and get them into bed. Julie Nguyen, a certified dating coach at Hily, told the New York Post: “Compliments can feel like a red flag early on because you haven’t had the time to fully see each other yet. When the praise comes on too strong or too fast, it can feel more like projection than truth.”
If a man has known you for 14 minutes and is already calling you perfect, beautiful, sexy, different from every other woman, and spiritually familiar, he is not describing you. He’s building a character, and somehow that character always seems ready to come over tonight.
Is Your Date Giving Genuine Compliments or Building a Fantasy?
Nguyen told the Post there’s a difference between being seen as a person and being treated like a fantasy. She also said lines like “you’re the only one who gets me” can create emotional obligation before any real trust exists, which is exactly why these grand declarations can feel so off this early. The survey also found that only 11 percent of women are generally comfortable receiving compliments early on, while 72 percent said they’d rather be complimented on personality than appearance. Sexual comments were high on the list of things women wanted gone.
Women saying this online are even more blunt. In one Reddit thread about dating red flags, a user wrote that “back-to-back compliments within the first few messages” come off as “attempted love-bombing” and “disingenuous.” Another added, “We’ve messaged for ten minutes, you have no idea if I’m a good mom or friend,” and said she wants to trust that someone means what they say, not assume he’s “buttering me up” for sex.
That’s the real issue here. Early compliments can be nice when they’re actually genuine. “You have a great smile” is one thing. Comparing someone to your ex, calling her perfect, making sexual comments, or acting like you’ve discovered your future wife before you’ve even met in person. According to the same survey, comparisons to an ex were the least wanted compliment for both women and men, and comments with sexual undertones were a major ghostable offense for women.
Early flattery can be sweet. It can also feel like someone trying to open a locked door with a crowbar wrapped in velvet. When praise feels generic, overeager, or suspiciously accelerated, it’s fair to wonder what the end goal is.
The post Don’t Give Your Date This Type of Compliment (Unless You Want to Turn Them Off) appeared first on VICE.
