‘I Do Not Hate Children’: Chappell Roan Was This Weekend’s Main Character

Welcome to your Monday briefing.

At times while scrolling X the social-media platform can feel like the dancefloor of a warped and nightmarish high-school prom, with a cast of caricatures competing for the spotlight. These days, though, we’ve evolved beyond the jock, the bully, the freaks, and the geeks, with X twisting these old archetypes into weird new shapes—at my prom, for example, there was no amateur phrenologist, no flat-earth peptide truther, no sociopathic, face-hammering yuppie meth-head waiting to bogwash me in the toilets and fondle my date live on Kick. Yet for all that the world is changing, it did offer up a strong hit of throwback vibes this weekend with news that Chappell Roan had been busy inhabiting the timeless role of the terrifying prom-night mean girl.

“When you’re the Main Character, every gobshite worth their salt seems to be ready with a quip”

The American singer is at the center of an ongoing controversy after allegedly sending a security guard to accuse an 11-year-old girl of disrespecting and harassing her at a hotel. Unfortunately for Roan, this little girl wasn’t just any young Stan, but the daughter of Jude Law—and the stepchild of Brazilian-born Italian footballer Jorginho.

The idea of the internet having a daily “Main Character” is at this point well established. The main criteria is that it in some way makes your life much worse. The concept was enshrined by a wise poster with the username @maplecocaine, who once wrote: “Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it.” Somehow that was seven years ago, but it was one of those effortlessly insightful sentences that clarifies what you’ve always known but couldn’t quite articulate yourself, forever changing your perspective on the world. Becoming the Main Character remains as costly as ever—something Roan has learnt first-hand multiple times already in the last few years.

Last week, she was staying in the same hotel in São Paulo as Jorginho (who once starred for English Premier League clubs Chelsea and Arsenal), his wife (the Irish singer Catherine Harding), and 11-year-old Ada Law, who supposedly committed the egregious act of smiling at the pop star while walking past her table at breakfast. Jorginho, who now plays for Flamengo, went in two-footed on Roan in an Instagram story, claiming that she dispatched her security detail to deal with the little girl, leaving her in tears. “WITHOUT YOUR FANS, YOU WOULD BE NOTHING,” he fumed, “AND TO THE FANS, SHE DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR AFFECTION.” I mean, OK Jorginho, next time why don’t you say how you really feel?

For Roan, the whole situation went down about as well as a full English after a big night on the cachaça. As is always the case when you’re the Main Character, every gobshite worth their salt seems to be ready with an opinion or a quip, and this included the mayor of Rio de Janeiro (an extremely prestigious position I previously didn’t know existed) who issued a statement saying that the singer was no longer welcome in the mega-city. On Sunday, Roan booted up the front-facing camera, claiming that it was not her personal security involved, and insisting she “didn’t even see a woman and a child” as she made a sorry-your-feelings-were-hurt type of apology. Of course, by the time you’re having to confirm that “I do not hate people who are fans of my music” and “I do not hate children” you’ve pretty much already lost.

BARROOM GOSSIP

• The media thinks they’ve finally outed the “real Banksy”—but our sources tell us the revelations are still very wide of the mark…
• The launch night of Polymarket’s new “Monitoring the Situation” bar in Washington, D.C.—where you can keep an eye on live flight feeds, X, and the stock market in a room full of screens—was a dismal affair, due to a host of technical issues…
• Gaspar Noé fell asleep on the sofa at the afters following his appearance at Lost night club in London on Friday. We won’t share the pictures because we have class.

ONE PREDICTION FOR THE WEEK AHEAD
A global shortage of fleshlights and vapes is announced as the terminally online begin stockpiling in response to the predictions of geopolitical security experts “monitoring the situation” on X.

BRAND NEW SENTENCE
2025’s Eurovision mascot Lumo is suddenly going viral for being the “ugliest creature known to man.”

FREE SKETCH FOR SNL UK
After being spotted on Instagram apparently backing calls to ban the burqa, former footballer John Terry unexpectedly converts to Islam, appearing in a long, flowing, satin robe (with socks and shin pads underneath) to praise Allah as “the one true captain, leader, legend.”

@yungtolstoi

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