My favorite aunt, Bea, died over the summer. She wore frosty pink lipstick and snorted when she laughed (and she laughed a lot). She lived in Hawaii, Japan, Hong Kong, Alaska, on a houseboat in Florida and, longest of all, in California. She was a breast cancer survivor. She was married four times — twice to her first husband, and last to her brother’s best friend from high school. (They reconnected in their 60s, and he took care of her until the end.) She and my mom called each other Ducky.
Bea was 81 when she passed away, diminished by dementia. I regret not asking her more questions about her fascinating life when I had the chance.
Renée Alexander Craft feels the same way about her father, who died a little over a decade ago from complications related to Alzheimer’s disease. An oral historian and professor of communication at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, she was determined not to lose the opportunity twice. So she began interviewing her 92-year-old mother about her life last year.
If you’ll be with family over the holidays, consider doing the same with your elders. These conversations can offer a window into the past and a way to preserve memories for the future. They can also provide an opportunity to spend quality time together now.
For the person being interviewed, the experience can help with “a sense of life completion and a sense of being heard and understood and being able to tell their story,” said Dr. Ira Byock, an emeritus professor at the Dartmouth Geisel School of Medicine specializing in palliative care.
To get started, choose a quiet time and place where neither of you will be distracted (in other words, not around the Thanksgiving table). Keeping the setting casual can help the person to open up, and using your cellphone to record the audio can feel less intrusive than video.
Once you’re settled in, here’s a list of questions to get the conversation started — and keep it flowing.
‘Did you ever get in trouble as a child?’
Ease in with a few lighthearted questions. “This is something you can have fun with,” Dr. Byock said. One of his favorites is: “Think back to when you were 10 or 12 or 13. Did you ever get in trouble?”
“Wow, there’s some great stories that come out for that one!” he added.
Alua Arthur, an end-of-life doula, likes asking about people’s hobbies and how they spend their free time. Another question that often sparks “a little glimmer in their eye,” she said, is: Do you have any secret talents?
‘What did your childhood bedroom look like?’
Dr. Alexander Craft likes asking about a relative’s sensory memories, such as the first time they remember seeing snow or the ocean. Day-to-day childhood experiences can also make for good questions: What did your bedroom look like? What did a typical Saturday morning entail when you were growing up?
Ask the person to tell a story about his or her parents and grandparents, too. “At some point, everybody else who knew them is gone, and so that’s really the last chance to get a glimpse into who those people were,” said Nick Baum, the co-founder of Storyworth, a service that provides users with weekly memoir prompts.
‘What was one of your favorite trips?’
Rather than asking about the “best” meal someone’s eaten or someone’s “favorite” vacation, which can feel daunting to answer, ask about “one of the best” or “some of your favorite,” Mr. Baum recommended.
Prompting someone to talk about major historical events can also be fruitful. Dr. Alexander Craft made a point to ask her mother what it was like to vote for the first time as a Black woman in the South.
‘Who were the loves of your life?’
Once you’ve broken the ice, don’t be afraid to dig a little deeper. When Ms. Arthur helps her clients reflect on their lives, she focuses on foundational events or turning points.
For example, what are they most proud of? Is there anything they regret? Who were the loves of their life? What were their major heartbreaks or disappointments?
‘Tell me that old chestnut again.’
Invite them to tell stories they might have told before, too. “Sometimes it’s the story that you’ve heard a thousand times, but being able to remember it exactly the way they would tell it” is meaningful, Mr. Baum said.
You don’t need to ask all your questions in one sitting; you can keep it short and sweet, posing just three to five to start. Then plan a time to talk more, either in person or over the phone.
Perhaps most important, be patient with yourself and the person you’re interviewing, Ms. Arthur said. It can be awkward, especially at first. But no matter how you do it, it will be memorable and meaningful.
“It doesn’t matter how clunky or self-conscious or sloppy any of it might be or might feel,” Dr. Alexander Craft said. “You will be more grateful for having done it than not having done it.”
Dana G. Smith is a Times reporter covering personal health, particularly aging and brain health.
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