Dear Eric: I had a starter marriage many years ago that only lasted a couple of years. We got married too young and I quickly realized that I had nothing in common with my wife. We divorced but she returned to me after a few months wanting to get back together. The problem is she admitted cheating on me with a married man.
We tried to make a go of it but gave up after a few months.
Fast-forward to today and an old friend of mine asked in passing if I knew what happened to the first wife. She married twice more and lives out of state. I had pretty much forgotten about her and now I have memories both good and bad. Now I’m happily married with kids and grandkids. Question, this person lives rent free in my head and how do I get rid of her?
— Enough Already
Enough Already: When the idea of someone has taken up free residence in your head, it’s time to start charging rent. What does that mean in practice? Make the idea of her/your first marriage earn its place. Right now, it’s living rent-free because it’s asking you questions you seemingly can’t answer — what could have happened, what went wrong, what if, why, et cetera. You can start asking the idea of her questions back. “Why are you here? What do you have to teach me?” Because, ultimately, this is just a conversation with yourself.
So, in essence, you’re asking yourself what feels unresolved. And the answer may well be “nothing is unresolved.” But whatever the answer is, resisting the thought is only going to give it more power. Instead, try a form of acceptance, or even a mindful approach when memories come flooding back. Acknowledge that this is a part of your story and it’s part of what got you to the place you are today. Affirm for yourself that the past and the present aren’t in competition. Thank the memory for the part it played in getting you to your present. And then release it.
Everything that touches us in life travels with us. That doesn’t mean it gets to dictate the terms of the arrangement, nor does it have ultimate power over us.
Dear Eric: I’m living with my mother and am her main caregiver. My brother only contacts me just before coming with his wife and 10-year-old daughter to our family home once a year for a week.
When he leaves, we don’t hear from him. I have asked him several times to call to speak with mum who has dementia. He calls only when prompted and even then, not every time. As a result, there isn’t much interaction between my mother and her granddaughter which I think is sad.
He said he wants to come for Christmas, but I don’t want them to come. It’s like they are on holiday. I prepare for their visit, i.e. making up beds, cleaning and food shopping.
In this regard, I’m done with being the maid. They usually go to shopping centers, sightseeing and taking the daughter out. They don’t offer help or support.
Because I am the only sibling confronting him about his lack of contact, he resents me and is disrespectful to me. He has become closer to one of our sisters who never broaches the subject. He often sides with her or makes it look as if I’m stupid by making sarcastic remarks.
I just feel like cutting ties with him. Your thoughts on this, please.
— Not a Maid
Not a Maid: From your letter, your frustrations seem justified. Caregiving family members often feel isolation, frustration or anger at the lack of understanding and support from other family members. You’re not alone in this.
You don’t need to wait on your brother, or even formally host him, but if you tell him not to visit, there’s a danger that the narrative becomes about whether you’re keeping your mother from him. That will only make things more contentious.
Instead, prior to his visit tell him, “there’s a lot of work that goes into making life comfortable for mum. So, I won’t be available to make up the beds, clean or go shopping. But this is our family home, so you know where everything is. You’re welcome to make yourself comfortable.”
Big caveat: this is not a perfect solution by any means. I suspect you’ll still end up cleaning up after they’re gone. But what it does is it begins to reassert a new boundary. If they want a hotel, they can go to one. This can lead to new and stronger boundaries down the line. This may not be the time to cut him off, but you don’t have to give more than you have.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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