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Dear For Love & Money,
My fiancée is a divorcee. When we met, I was a confirmed bachelor. I am well off, but more than my money, I have built my own business from the ground up. I want a prenuptial agreement, not because I don’t trust my fiancée, but because I want to protect my business and my employees, just in case what happened to her last marriage happens to ours.
My fiancée finds the idea of a prenuptial agreement insulting, and every time I bring it up, she refuses to even talk about it. I know she finds the conversation offensive because she is embarrassed that her first marriage didn’t work out, and while I feel for her, I still want a prenup.
How can I get her to have this conversation with me, or even better, get her to sign the papers?
Sincerely,
I’m Not Saying She’s a Gold-Digger
Dear I’m Not Saying She’s a Gold-Digger,
The problem with prenups is the reality they underline. Marriage, for all the pomp and circumstance of weddings, is essentially a business agreement, and prenuptial agreements are for couples whose circumstances necessitate more elaborate legal protections than the ones offered by the state. Your pragmatism in regard to a prenuptial agreement is understandable, and as a business owner who is responsible for the livelihoods of others, it’s also necessary.
However, it’s important to understand where your fiancée’s idealism and reactions are coming from. For those of us who grew up on Disney princesses and Brides magazine, marriage also embodies the concept of true love. You have to remember there was a time when she loved someone so much that she may have envisioned them dying in each other’s arms, in a scene straight out of “The Notebook.” I don’t know how things ended for your soon-to-be wife’s first marriage, but I know on the day she exchanged vows with her ex, she didn’t see the divorce coming.
Thus, when the ending came, it was more than minor embarrassment for her; it was the loss of a dream and a lifetime of plans. The fact that “she refuses to even talk about” a prenup makes me wonder if she sees it as a reminder that she’s inviting potential heartbreak back into her life.
It’s true that things happen, and sometimes things end in divorce. But in order to start your marriage off on the right foot, you need to make sure you and your fiancée reach a mutual understanding about the prenup situation.
Start by examining your real motives
Before you try to get her to have a conversation with you, you need to examine how your inner thoughts about your soon-to-be wife and her previous marriage may be affecting the way you’ve been communicating your desire for the prenup with her.
My guess is that the way you see — and perhaps talk about — her divorce may be playing a role.
In your letter, you wrote that you want the prenup “just in case what happened to her last marriage happens to ours. ” Your emphasis on your fiancée’s relationship history tells me it’s playing an important role in how you view her, and it sounds like she may be picking up on this, too.
Be honest with yourself and examine why that is. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a prenup, but you should want it regardless of your fiancée’s past. Truly trusting your partner means believing in them — and that includes their past, present, and plans for the future. If you realize you have doubts or a true lack of trust, you must either overcome them or do the hard thing and walk away.
Maybe you’ll discover that your doubts have less to do with your fiancée as a person and more to do with the risk of a divorce in general that’s hanging you up. If this is the case, center your need for a prenup on that idea, not on your future wife’s past. She doesn’t need the constant reminder that she was divorced; she needs to know you believe in her and in your marriage.
Have an honest conversation
Next, it’s time to approach the conversation with your fiancée with care and clarity.
Reassure your fiancée that you envision the two of you growing old together — that’s why you’re marrying her. Patiently walk her through the details of the prenup to show her how it’s meant to protect the business you’ve worked so hard to create, in only the worst-case scenario, which neither of you wants. To steal a line from “The Godfather,” clarify that your desire for a prenup is “not personal, it’s strictly business” — but be sure to do so with empathy.
In the same way, ask her about her concerns and listen without judgment. A fear she may have, as many women do, is being hung out to dry in the event of a divorce. It’s a valid concern; women often do so much unpaid labor within our relationships in the spirit of caretaking. Your fiancée might handle administrative errands, take care of things around the house, serve as your sounding board, or even be an unofficial business consultant. It’s a risky investment; if the person she invested in chooses to walk away, that investment is gone forever.
Having this conversation with your fiancée also opens up the possibility of making your prenup a collaborative process. If she can share her concerns, you can work together to put in clauses tailored to addressing them. When one person pushes for a prenup, it’s easy to see it as a means of safeguarding their interest alone. This way, you can build it together as a way of protecting both of you.
You’ll only know what your fiancée is concerned about if you ask her and really listen to her answer. Since she’s characterized your attempts to have this conversation in the past as “insulting”, you may need to start with an apology. Acknowledge that you’ve perhaps been unfair about her divorce in the past, and show her that you’ve worked through it.
You seem to be a person who likes to do things correctly, and as a business owner, a prenup is part of that process. It’s like wearing a seatbelt; if you really thought you were going to be in a car accident, you wouldn’t be getting into the car in the first place. We wear seatbelts out of respect for our own powerlessness and inability to predict the future, and the physical and legal outcomes that could happen. That said, what you shouldn’t do is make your future wife feel like you already view her as a liability.
For the two of you to move forward together into marriage in a healthy way, it’s essential that you have clarity about why you want a prenup and communicate that clarity to your betrothed in a way that makes her feel safe and supported. Most importantly, make sure she knows that no matter what the future holds, you know for absolute certain that the love you have for her is a permanent part of who you are now, and she can depend on that forever.
Rooting for you both,
For Love & Money
An earlier version of this article was originally published in June 2022.
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The post I want a prenup, but my fiancée won’t even discuss it. How do I get her to sign the papers? appeared first on Business Insider.
