Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend is still in regular contact with his ex-girlfriend. He is her confidant, and she admits she still loves him. He keeps her posted on our relationship, which is rocky because I am jealous of their relationship. I am not allowed to set any boundaries about this.
I want to ask him to stop being her confidant and to stop telling her about our relationship. They can remain friends, just not with such intimate conversations. He absolutely refuses any boundaries because “I am not going to let you pick my friends.”
Should I just exit this situation? For context, he and I are on and off because of this, and he usually dates her again when we are off.
— Jealous
Jealous: Before you can get your boundaries straight, we will have to get some terms straight.
If you need someone to “allow” something, then that something is not a boundary. A boundary is yours only — it’s what you will and won’t accept in a relationship with someone. No one else has any say in that. Period. Waiting for someone to “allow” your own limits gives away your power.
The thing you are calling a boundary is actually a request. (Or its pushy cousin, a demand.) You have requested — but would like to demand or insist — that your boyfriend “stop telling her about our relationship.” A request is something you want or need from someone else, which is a very different thing from the self-contained boundary.
Your boyfriend has denied your request that he choose a more appropriate confidante. Whatever you think of his intimacy reporting habits, and I do have thoughts, he is entitled to refuse your request — or your demand, if you choose to escalate. Refusing can make him wrong or unkind or emotionally unfaithful or a bad boyfriend or, who knows, a great friend of utmost integrity, depending on your angle — but all that is beside the point of his being in charge of himself and free to say no to you. Anything we ask of others can always be refused.
The definitions matter because they speak directly to which parts of your relationships, and life, you control. And this fluency cuts out so much frustration.
Now, a hypothetical for vocabulary practice. First, make your clear request: “I’m not picking your friends! Be friends with her, of course. All I ask is that, out of respect, you not confide in her about us.”
Next, if he turns you down, then you have your boundary — again, a line you draw for yourself. It might be that you refuse to date someone who doesn’t respect your privacy, or uses their secrets to play two women off each other, or can’t! make! up! his! mind! So, you break up with him.
See? What he “allows” you to do has nothing to do with it. Boundary.
If you stay with him even though you say you won’t stand for his emotional snuggling with his ex, then you’re the one failing to hold your boundary.
That’s something I don’t recommend, by the way. Misery all but guaranteed.
Index-card boundary recap, for future use: Have a feel for the limits of what you’ll put up with, then know what you’re prepared to do about it when someone crosses those lines, because you can’t just “make” people “stop.” Then get out there and live by your terms.
And yes, “just exit this situation” sounds like a promising start. You want someone wanting to focus on you.
The post Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend’s closest confidante is the ex who still loves him appeared first on Washington Post.
