Dear Eric: I have an 18-year-old daughter who just moved four hours away to college. Her father and I have been separated for almost three years. Prior to moving to college, she visited him only during court-ordered visitation. She felt like he did not want her around or he made no effort to have a relationship with her.
She recently came home to visit for three days. She did not go see her father. Every day I would ask if she’d seen her dad and every day, she said he knows I’m here but hasn’t called or texted me.
Not 30 minutes after she left, he called and cursed me out. He blames me for her not coming to visit.
After a child turns 18, they do not have to visit their parents. I understand why he feels the way he does, and I understand why she feels the way she does. I just don’t know what to do next. We also have two younger kids, and I know this is going to cause so much trouble between us all. Any advice?
— Caught in the Middle
Middle: Your children’s father is putting you in an inappropriate position that, conveniently, clears him of any responsibility for maintaining the relationships in his life. It’s much easier, presumably, to believe the narrative that you’re not doing enough to make your daughter available to him, rather than acknowledging the truth: he is perfectly capable of dialing his own phone.
Tell him and your daughter that you need to remove yourself from their planning. That means you won’t ask her about whether she’s going to visit him, but also that you won’t receive calls from him berating you about another adult’s actions. Be firm and clear about this.
This frustration he has may bleed into other parts of the relationship you have with him. But it sounds like this conflict is born of issues that have always been at the core of the separation, if not the relationship itself. Removing yourself from a conflict that doesn’t involve you may not be comfortable, but it will help.
Dear Eric: My husband and I recently moved into a condominium. Our first holiday here I had a small holiday gathering. Some of the neighbors do not like each other and some did not come. We don’t know whether to try it again or let it go. About half of the small group invited did not come. I don’t want to include those who backed out at the last moment, but my husband thinks I should. Your thoughts?
— Second Chance Festivities
Festivities: If your husband is genuinely interested in cultivating friendships with the people who canceled last year, then a second invitation might be a good way to go about it. It’s not as useful, I think, as a one-on-one invitation, especially in a condo building rife with contentious relationships. But if he’s doing it out of a sense of obligation, there’s no need.
It sounds like there’s a lot of drama going on in this building. I understand the desire to make new connections and to get to know your neighbors. But it seems burdensome to go to the trouble of planning and executing a gathering, only to have your efforts go to waste because of situations you have no control over nor any stake in.
My take: invite the ones who showed up last year, build on those relationships and find other ways to get to know the rest of your neighbors.
Dear Eric: I have a weekend planned with my sister-in-law. We split the cost for two nights. We each paid about $250. There was a cancellation policy that after a certain date you could not get a refund. That date has passed. She now has a conflict which is completely legitimate and possibly can’t come. I can still go. Should I offer to pay her back for her half if I go without her?
— Solo Vacation
Vacation: If you can afford it, it would be kind to reimburse her. However, it’s not a requirement.
You both entered into the agreement with the hotel or resort, and both paid knowing about their cancellation policy. So, the obligation for reimbursement doesn’t sit with you.
It isn’t as if you’ll be getting twice the value, so you’re not getting something for nothing. Rather, you’ll be getting what you paid for. It’s unfortunate that she can’t also get what she paid for — presumably the other bed in a double room or a room in a suite. But one presumes she understands that your hands are as tied as hers are.
On the next trip, perhaps spring for a dinner or an excursion, if you’d like. With regard to this trip, however, enjoy your break with a clear conscience.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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