For most of their eight-year relationship, Joan Price and her boyfriend, Mac Marshall, have scheduled weekly sex dates.
The pair — who do not live together — take turns hosting, putting care into their preparations. They bring out a few sex toys or lubricants to try. (Flavored? Not?) They take turns showering — Mr. Marshall goes first, then waits for Ms. Price to ring a metal bell to signal she is ready for him. She joked that he is like Pavlov’s dog, salivating at the sound of it.
Both 82, the pair have the most “intimate,” “dynamic” and “fun” sex Ms. Price has ever had, she said.
Just as longevity experts are concerned with “health span,” or the number of years one can remain truly healthy, some doctors and sex therapists have been studying “sex span,” or how long one can have a thriving sex life. It’s a timely concern, given that the oldest baby boomers will turn 80 in 2026.
“Our sexuality is so important to us,” said Ms. Price, who is a sex educator specializing in older adults and author of “Naked at Our Age.” “To say that sex is only for young, hard bodies? It’s insulting. It’s demeaning.”
How sex evolves with time
The myth that one’s sex life dries up with age is pervasive.
“The narrative that we have about older adults not having sex is, really, ageism,” said Rosara Torrisi, a licensed clinical social worker and founder of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy.
“Many people start to enjoy their sexuality a lot more as older adults,” she added. “There’s this idea that they say, ‘Screw it. I’m not waiting around. I’m going to say what I want.’”
One of the largest surveys to measure sexual activity among older adults in the United States found that more than half of adults ages 65 to 74 reported being sexually active, and more than a quarter of those 75 to 85 said the same.
The study found, however, that around half of those who were sexually active had at least one “bothersome” sexual problem such as low desire, difficulty with vaginal lubrication or erectile function, and inability to orgasm. Other research has found that people have less sex as they age, driven in part by declining physical health or the death of a partner.
The good news, experts say, is that there are more interventions available today than ever before. Doctors might recommend medication or penile vacuum devices to help manage erectile dysfunction, or prescription hormones to help reduce pain or vaginal dryness during sex. Lifestyle changes can help, too, like managing stress, getting enough sleep and exercising. (Yes, you can train for sex.)
“When I see patients, I talk to them about how sexual function is a mind-body relationship phenomenon,” said Dr. Stacy Lindau, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Chicago and the director of the Program in Integrative Sexual Medicine. She starts with questions like: What’s going on with your physical health and your mood — and your partner’s physical health and mood? What medicines are you taking that could affect your libido? How about your relationship?
Dr. Lindau, who was an author of the survey about sexual activity, urged older people to bring up any sexual concerns to their health care providers, “because in almost all cases,” she said, “it’s not too late.”
Mr. Marshall, a retired anthropology professor, lamented that “so often the public image of aging is that we’re all decrepit and just sort of sitting around and waiting to die,” he said. “That’s the farthest thing from my life right now.”
Being flexible — and forgiving
Sex therapists often say that great, satisfying sex should not be defined by frequency or whether it ends in orgasm. That is an especially important message for older adults to absorb, they say.
“When you’re 80, and you have some arthritis, the idea of jumping on each other isn’t always in the cards,” said Kate Thomas, director of clinical services at the Sex and Gender Clinic at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine. “It’s those couples who are willing to adapt to those changes, and still make it fun, that go on to have a good sexual relationship,” she added.
Dr. Thomas spends a lot of time talking to older couples about how to have “erection-less sex,” she said. It can take some convincing, and some of her patients experience real grief at losing the option.
But ultimately, she finds that many of them are satisfied by switching their focus to activities like masturbating (partnered or solo), using sex toys and lubricant, having oral sex, or engaging in other forms of sensual contact, like kissing or massage.
Sue, 80, who asked to use her first name only to protect her privacy, has had both of her knees and her shoulders replaced, but that has not stopped her from having consistently “unbelievable” sex with her boyfriend of three decades.
Much of that boils down to their willingness to communicate during sex — about what’s working, what kind of touch they want, where they could wedge a pillow for a little extra support.
A former intensive care nurse, Sue knows it is important for older adults to be aware of their physical limits and to make sure they’re medically cleared to have sex — but she refuses to give up on experiencing pleasure.
“My body pretty much sucks,” Sue said. “But I can still have amazing sex with the bad back and bad knees and bad shoulders.”
‘Why didn’t I learn this 50 years ago?’
Perhaps the biggest superpower that people with sexual longevity possess is a willingness to expand their sexual menu — and to let go of any rigid definitions of what sex should be.
Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia, says there is a freedom in older adults defining what healthy sexuality means to them, however they experience pleasure. Great sex, for instance, might look like a widowed 70-something using a sex toy alone.
“There is no outer limit to the age at which you’re capable of learning and discovering,” Dr. Brotto said. “I’ve had tears in my office from women saying, ‘My gosh, why didn’t I learn this 50 years ago?’” she added.
For Ms. Price and Mr. Marshall, thinking beyond penetrative sex has been critical. Particularly as life has thrown them challenges.
Last April, the pair were in a serious car crash. Ms. Price broke her neck in three places, and her recovery has been slow and excruciating. Unrelated, Mr. Marshall is awaiting a hip replacement. Both are widowed. They have been caregivers and experienced enormous grief.
When a weekly sex date rolls around, they check in: Is today still OK with you? They are forgiving with each other when, in the heat of the moment, their bodies sometimes do not cooperate.
“I’ll say, ‘OK, that’s enough for my neck,” Ms. Price said, “or ‘OK, I’ll try standing and you try lying down.’ We do that with a sense of humor, not with a feeling of doom.”
“We find that other ways of pleasuring each other are much better — and much easier — for the various kinds of health issues we’re dealing with,” echoed Mr. Marshall. “Joanie invented a new expression: ‘What hurts and what works today?’”
Catherine Pearson is a Times reporter who writes about families and relationships.
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