I have taught at the same community college for over 30 years. In October, my mother became seriously ill and died the next month. During her illness, my new boss asked me to meet with her about year-end paperwork. I declined the meeting: She requested it at the last minute, and my mother was being evaluated for hospice care that day. The next day, my boss sent me an email about three other meetings I had declined. I responded that I was stepping away from meetings during my mother’s illness. But my boss doubled down: She told me she held everyone to the same standards to “ensure that contractual obligations were being fulfilled.” After my mother died, I told my boss in person how disappointed I was in her lack of empathy. She replied that all employees must meet their obligations. At this point, I can’t even look at her! Any suggestions?
DAUGHTER
I’m sorry for your loss — for the grief and anger you are feeling now and for the stress you felt while you were juggling work and caring for your mother. You may not love my advice, but I think it’s time to revise the one-sided story that you are telling yourself. It does not serve you.
To be clear, your boss does not appear to be a contender for any “empath of the year” awards. But at the same time, employees do not have a unilateral right to stop performing their jobs because of personal circumstances. You don’t mention speaking to your boss (or to anyone else) to ask for accommodations during your mother’s illness — or even to reschedule meetings that you needed to miss. You simply informed your boss that you had “stepped away” from meetings during this period. But that wasn’t your sole prerogative.
Now, it’s possible that your boss may have refused your request. But we’ll never know — because both of you stuck stubbornly to your own courses at the very moment you should have been talking to each other. But that’s in the past. It has only been a few months since your mother died. Take care of yourself now. There will be plenty of time to process your feelings about your boss and work protocols later.
Bring a Covered Dish (and a Sleeping Bag)
I am planning a potluck dinner for 10 friends next week. I sent out the invitations three weeks ago, and I was looking forward to spending an evening with the people I cherish. But recently, one of my guests told me that a friend of his (with whom I am not well acquainted) is hosting a gathering on the same evening as mine that starts three hours after my dinner begins. He told me that most of my guests would be leaving for this other party after my dinner. Am I justified in feeling embittered by this turn of events?
HOSTESS
We can’t control our feelings. So, you are justified in however you feel about this situation. But “embittered” seems like a strong response, frankly, to a scheduling coincidence — especially when the second event begins three hours after yours. Did you intend for your guests to sleep over?
Also, your dinner is a potluck — pretty casual, as such things go. It will not require a herculean effort on your part to prepare a small portion of the menu. And three hours is a large block of time. I don’t believe your guests did anything wrong in accepting the later invitation. But perhaps it would soothe your competitive feelings to invite the host of the second party to your dinner. Make it two friendly gatherings — instead of an icy face-off.
A Deeper Issue With a Skin-Deep Obsession
I have a dear friend who is obsessed with her looks and talks constantly about which parts of her appearance need fixing. She has had several cosmetic procedures already, but she is never satisfied. I know that she has a poor body image, so I try to compliment her when I can. But every conversation with her comes back to looks. How can I steer her away from this tiresome subject?
FRIEND
I think your friend has a more serious problem than being a dull conversationalist. Body dysmorphia is a mental health condition, and plastic surgeons often require patients to meet with therapists before performing numerous procedures on them. Rather than complimenting her on her appearance, try a more constructive approach: Tell your dear friend that you are concerned about her preoccupation with appearance and that it may be helpful for her to talk with a therapist about what it means and where it comes from. Sometimes supporting close friends means challenging them.
Crediting a Co-Author Who’s Less Than Human
I am often complimented by friends and family members on my writing skills. Should I admit that I sometimes use artificial intelligence to help me compose emails and other correspondence? (For what it’s worth, A.I. says that I am not obliged to.)
CORRESPONDENT
Well, that shows how much A.I. knows! Good writing is not a zero-sum game: You can write well, and so can your friends and relatives. There’s no need to gatekeep a tool that you have found helpful. The next time someone compliments you on your writing, share a few of your tips for using A.I. effectively to help them improve theirs. The more people who write well, the better!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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