I socialize with about a dozen mostly retired professionals. One of the women in the group monopolizes conversations at every gathering she attends. Her subject is always herself. The rest of us have talked about this frequently and for ages, but we have no idea how to stop it. Said woman is an accomplished person, a former college professor, so the idea that she’s making up for an insecurity seems off. Still, the monologues never stop! Even her husband sometimes gets up and leaves the room, which we think is a sign of his frustration with her. She’s a nice person, but she makes our gatherings less fun. Any suggestions?
MONOPOLIZED
There’s an interesting omission from your letter: You never call this woman with whom you socialize a friend. In fact, you refer to her as “said woman” — which comes off as pretty cold. And that makes me feel sorry for her. No one reading (or writing) this column behaves perfectly, and most of us need the help of friends occasionally to set us straight when our social skills let us down.
Now, don’t misunderstand me: I sympathize with your problem. But it’s too easy (and totally ineffective) to stand around speculating about this woman’s self-esteem and her marriage. It’s not even that difficult — in the midst of one of her monologues — to interrupt politely and pivot to other speakers and topics. (“Interesting point! Anyone else have a thought on the subject?”)
But the long-term solution here — and the true favor to this woman — would be for a friend to take her aside privately and address her blind spot gently and directly: “You’re a great storyteller! But I think you should be careful about taking over conversations. Everyone wants a chance to speak.” She may be defensive initially or need reminders. And you may not be the perfect person to have this conversation with her. But talking to her directly beats talking about her with others, right?
Poison Seeping Through the Floorboards
My husband and I are a gay couple in our late 30s. We live in an apartment building with our 3-year-old daughter. The unit above ours is occupied by four college-age men. Several times recently, I have heard them shout, “That’s so gay!” — usually in the heat of playing video games or watching sports. We hear it clearly in our apartment, and it’s unsettling that our child can hear it, too. We’ve also had issues with late-night noise coming from their unit. How should I respond? I don’t want to be a scold or create tension, but I also feel a responsibility to ourselves and to our daughter to set reasonable boundaries.
TENANT
“That’s so gay!” is a textbook microaggression: There is nothing homosexual about a making a bad play during a video game, but to call it “gay” reinforces the falsehood that being gay is bad. Still, unless you want to explain all this to the young men upstairs — who may not have considered the homophobia embedded in their expression — focus on the noise problem, instead.
Generally, we don’t have the right to police our neighbors’ language (or their bigotry), but we are entitled to the quiet enjoyment of our homes, which means that we don’t have to hear others when we’re inside. Speak to your neighbors about the noise, and keep records of disturbances to share with your landlord, if necessary. If you decide to address the homophobic comments, coordinate that discussion with the landlord before you say anything to the neighbors. Safety first in these polarized times!
See You on Bring-Your-Kid-to-Work Day, Maybe
During my recent pregnancy, a co-worker was extremely unpleasant to me: She said that I was taking advantage of my prenatal doctor’s appointments to take time off from work, that I was not a team player and that I was lazy. Now that I have given birth and am on parental leave, she keeps texting me that she wants to meet the baby. I have no interest in this after what she put me through, but we do work together. Thoughts?
NEW MOM
First things first: You just had a baby! Use your precious parental leave to recover from giving birth and to bond with your child. Tell your insensitive co-worker that you are (blissfully) overwhelmed now and that she will meet the baby in due course. Try to set aside her bad behavior — which you may want to discuss with her or your supervisor — until after you return to work. This period is for you and your baby.
No Warrant for Fashion Policing
I have two friends who wear mink coats when it’s cold outside. I am embarrassed to be with them when they do. We’re meeting for lunch at a restaurant soon. Can I ask them to wear cloth coats that day? I don’t wear scent, after all, when I’m meeting friends who have asked me not to.
FRIEND
I’m confused. If you have a moral objection to fur — and many people do — speak up. But if your embarrassment springs from being seen by others in the company of those wearing fur and being thought of poorly by association, I would keep quiet. No one is asking you to wear a mink coat! And I fail to see how the headaches of those allergic to scent have any bearing here.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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