Open relationships get pitched as the brave, evolved option, like you can just add a few extra people to your love life the way you add toppings to a pizza. Then real life arrives with feelings, schedules, and the very humbling fact that jealousy doesn’t care about your values.
Consensual non-monogamy has become more popular over recent years. Research by the Kinsey Institute has found that a meaningful chunk of Americans have tried some form of it at some point, and a smaller number practice it at any given time. Still, plenty of couples open things up, then close the doors again.
Sex researcher Dr. Justin R. Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute, told Business Insider that three factors keep pushing couples back toward monogamy.
Why Couples Go Back to Monogamy After Opening Their Relationship
First, the emotional bandwidth problem. Garcia said, “Most people don’t have the biological tools to love more than one person at a time.” You can want the fantasy of being chill and limitless, then find out your feelings don’t scale the way you wanted them to.
Second, the workload. People hear “open” and imagine freedom. A lot of the day-to-day reality is coordination, check-ins, and a ton of negotiation. Garcia’s line here is the one that should be at the forefront of your mind if you’re thinking of “opening up” your relationship. “Even casual polyamorous encounters take substantial effort and negotiation,” he said. That negotiation can be healthy. It can also be exhausting when you work all day, try to have a life, and still want sex to stay fun.
Third, the “this will fix us” trap. Some couples open things up because they think novelty will fix boredom, differing desire levels, or simmering resentment. Garcia says the move can turn the volume up on problems that already exist. “The same issues that plague monogamous relationships, mismatched libidos, jealousy, boredom, and more, tend to surface in consensually non-monogamous ones,” he said. If the foundation is shaky, adding extra people can add extra friction.
Garcia also makes a point that gets lost in the culture-war version of this conversation. Non-monogamy works well for some people, and some couples build real stability there. “While consensually open relationships might not work for everyone, or even for most people, there are many people for whom they do work perfectly well,” he said.
The least sexy truth is also the most useful one. Monogamy can be a preference, not a failure. Plenty of couples try something new, learn what it costs, then pick the version of commitment they can actually live with.
The post The 3 Most Common Reasons Open Relationships Fail appeared first on VICE.
