DEAR ABBY: I supervise a group of six mid-level professionals. Usually, we manage fine, but a current conflict may push me over the edge. “Lauren” lives alone with dogs that seem to be her only family. One of them (age 11) had been sick. She kept asking for sick leave to take him to the vet. I told her she had to use vacation time for that.
Well, the dog died, and now Lauren wants to take bereavement leave. When I refused, she had a fit and started yelling about unequal treatment because another co-worker, “Jenny,” was allowed to take bereavement leave earlier this year.
Jenny’s toddler son died in a drowning accident. It was a horrific tragedy. Jenny was traumatized and incapacitated for weeks. The situations are not comparable. But Jenny heard Lauren yelling and comparing Jenny’s child to her elderly basset hound. This is causing all sorts of interpersonal problems that HR has flatly refused to get involved with.
I understand that Lauren loved her dog, but I also think she needs to get a grip, apologize to Jenny and take a vacation if she needs to. Is it unreasonable to expect an adult to know the difference between a human and a dog and act accordingly? — STRESSED SUPERVISOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SUPERVISOR: I think you already know the answer to your rather snarky question. HR at your firm may be reluctant to handle this hot potato because they do not have a policy in place that covers pet illness or bereavement for the loss of one. Please suggest it to your employer.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are seniors and live in a one-floor condominium. I am in good health, but she has several medical issues, including impaired balance and mobility. She refuses the recommended physical therapy and rarely uses the walker I bought for her. She hates cooking now and wants me to drive almost daily for takeout, which is expensive and time-consuming. Now, she’s talking about selling our condominium to move into a seniors’ complex with independent, assisted and continuing care phases. All meals are prepared there.
I do not want this move and have told her so. When I do, she goes silent for days, telling me it’s time for the change. I disagree. We are at an impasse. I am so upset about this I am considering divorce after 55 years. What do you recommend we do? — STILL YOUNG IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR STILL YOUNG: I recommend you discuss this with your CPA and your attorney before making any decisions. If you could afford it, an assisted living facility for her while you remain in the condo might be ideal. However, if that’s not possible, would you be willing to send her to the facility while you rent a one-bedroom apartment for yourself?
One thing I am pretty sure of: Your wife is signaling that she’s shutting down. Her world is now smaller than it was. You haven’t aged at the same rate, and it may be time to do for her what you would like her to do for you if the situation were reversed.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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