My husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years. We married later in life and are heading into our 60s. For reasons he cannot articulate to me, my husband refuses to see a doctor or dentist. In two separate incidents where he displayed physical signs of something wrong and I suggested he see a doctor, he brushed it off or got mad at me for bringing it up. Both times he was hospitalized for serious illnesses and was out of work for some time afterward.
I pay for our insurance through my job, so we’ve been very lucky both times that it has not financially ruined us. But it is ruining the way I feel about both him and our relationship.
As we near retirement, which is about seven years off, I am feeling resentful about this lack of self-care, along with the fact that the only one saving for retirement is me. I am concerned that if my husband continues to neglect himself, I will end up spending my retirement and our retirement funds on taking care of him when his health fails.
We’ve had conversations about this over the years, but nothing is changing. He’s a great person on all other fronts, but he’s putting both of us in a precarious situation. It’s getting to the point where I am resentful and feel he’s a liability rather than a partner.
Any advice on how to proceed or what to say?
From the Therapist: When you describe your husband as “a great person on all other fronts,” I hear how much you want to hold on to what’s good between you. But I also wonder if that framing is part of what’s keeping you stuck.
Everything you’re worried about — his refusal to take care of his health, his pattern of avoiding doctors even after serious consequences, his opting out of responsibility for your financial future — isn’t a side issue to “all other fronts.”
It’s the main front.
It’s a bit like saying your meal is delicious, except for the part with the salmonella. The food might be appealing, but it isn’t safe.
Safety isn’t a bonus feature in a long-term partnership. It’s the foundation. And as with other forms of nourishment, when that foundation is compromised, the question isn’t how good the rest of the meal tastes. The question is: Can you live on it?
It sounds like the answer you’re arriving at is no. Your husband isn’t only neglecting his own well-being; he’s also neglecting yours. He’s refusing to see that when something in a relationship has shared consequences, it’s no longer just a personal decision.
You say that you’ve had conversations about this for years with no change, and I wonder what those have sounded like. Are you making demands of him (“You need to get a checkup! Why won’t you go?”) or are you sharing something about your relationship (“The choices you’re making are significantly affecting how I feel about our life together”)?
Ask yourself, have I clearly communicated the following to him:
The way you’re living your life makes me feel like I’m planning a future alone. I worry that you’ll die early, or become less healthy in ways that will limit our enjoyment of these years together. I’m concerned that you’re jeopardizing the retirement I imagined for us, which makes me feel so resentful that it’s changing the way I feel about you and us. I need you to join me in creating a more secure partnership. If you don’t know why you’re so reluctant to take better care of your health and our finances, are you willing to take steps to find out for the sake of our marriage?
If you’ve said all of this and he hasn’t been responsive, pay attention to that message. When someone hears you clearly and still doesn’t seem open to change, they’re essentially telling you: Despite the damage I’m causing, this is how I’m choosing to live.
Most people don’t change behaviors they’re clinging to because they’ve been given a reasoned argument. They change when something creates more discomfort than staying the same. For him, that threshold hasn’t been crossed. But for you, it has.
So, let’s shift your question from “How do I get him to take care of himself and our future?” to “Since he won’t, what do I want to do?”
First, you can stop organizing your life around the hope that he’ll change, and start making some choices of your own. That might involve talking to a financial planner or attorney about how to separate and safeguard your retirement assets so his choices don’t determine your security. You can clarify with him what you are and aren’t willing to take on in terms of caregiving, financial support and crisis management that stem from his self-destructive behaviors.
You can remove yourself from what has become a parent-child dynamic — stepping back from pushing and rescuing so that he can experience the consequences of the decisions he makes. You can seek out therapy or other support to help manage the anxiety and resentment this situation understandably brings up, especially if he won’t participate in counseling with you.
And you’ll need to reflect honestly on what you can live with long-term if you’re with a spouse who isn’t taking action to respond to a significant issue between you, because love and compatibility aren’t the same thing. Maybe you’ll stay in each other’s lives in a context other than marriage. Or maybe you’ll make peace with his choices by protecting yourself as much as possible and letting go of the hope that he’ll be different.
When people are first dating and hoping their partner will change in a certain way, I often say, “Date reality, not potential.” This advice also applies in a 20-year relationship. You can’t make your husband choose differently, but you can decide how you want to build your future around a choice he’s already made.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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