To celebrate their 80th birthdays, my in-laws have generously offered to pay for a weeklong cruise for the whole family. But I don’t think I can accept. I am an introvert, and I find cruises overstimulating. When I don’t have space to get away and reset, I start to feel overwhelmed, anxious and depressed. I suggested a shorter cruise and even offered to pay for my own travel to make it work, but my father-in-law made it clear that this particular trip is the one they prefer. I want to honor their milestones, but I’m worried that the cruise will overwhelm me. And that’s not how I want to show up for their big occasion. Is it unreasonable to decline this gift?
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
You know yourself better than anyone else does. If a weeklong cruise with your spouse’s extended family is more than you can handle, I respect your decision. As an introvert myself who frequently forces himself to be more extroverted, I know the emotional toll (and resentment) that can come from accepting invitations that I know in advance are wrong for me.
So, it’s in the spirit of understanding that I offer a few ideas to consider before you refuse the invitation. A partner can be a terrific ally here: By agreeing to clear out of your cabin, your spouse can give you most of the day to recharge on your own. There may be an adults-only deck on your ship where you can read quietly by yourself — or a meditation room or a spa. Investigate the possibilities on your cruise.
Your in-laws may, indeed, plan a host of daily activities, but you can be rigorous about limiting the number that you attend. Maybe it’s just dinner in the evening. Maybe you leave the ship after three days and fly home. Presumably, you shared your issue with your in-laws when you suggested alternative trips. As long as they are prepared for your limited participation, it may be fine. And if this cruise is simply too much for you, explain that to them when you thank them for their generous offer and decline it. Regardless of your decision, though, encourage your spouse to attend.
Poetry With a Side of Coquetry
I attend a weekly poetry class at the public library. A woman in class has called out to me several times when I enter the room, “Hello, Andrew!” (We are both in our 70s.) But when I try to speak with her after class, she gives me a beautiful smile but doesn’t speak a word — not even to answer direct questions. I walk away in confusion. If she dislikes me, why greet me so publicly when I walk in?
ANDREW
Very mysterious! Still, I doubt that your classmate dislikes you. Perhaps she is setting a boundary: She feels comfortable greeting you but doesn’t want further interaction. I don’t know what to make of the Mona Lisa smile, but for now, you have enough information to respect her preference and limit yourself to greeting her in return when you enter the room.
Ready for the Big Time? No. Small Time? Also No.
My 11-year-old daughter just announced that she would like to sing in her school talent show in a few weeks. The problem: She’s not a good singer, and she doesn’t have a song in mind. I would like to suggest that she spend more time planning and preparing before she gets up in front of the entire school. We have a candid relationship, and she would probably be receptive to my suggestion. Or should I just let her do it? Is it my job to save her from likely embarrassing experiences?
MOM
I respect your protective impulse, but I think you can prepare your daughter and support her participation without hampering her confidence (which is terrific). Tell her that if she wants to perform in the show — which might be fun — she should get on the stick: by choosing a song and starting to practice it A.S.A.P.
You can also suggest that she enlist the help of a music teacher or an older student who has performed in the show before. If she gets it together, great! If not, there’s always next year. And don’t worry too much about her voice: Middle school talent shows are usually more about Taylor Swift mimicry than virtuosity.
When Did Yeses Become Maybes?
We recently hosted a birthday party for our 3-year-old. We sent out digital invitations weeks in advance, and based on the responses, we bought food, drinks and party favors for attendees. But on the day of the party, 40 percent of the confirmed guests were no-shows! We found this frustrating, costly and rude. Is this the way things are now?
HOST
Sadly, I have received several letters in recent years suggesting that some people have begun to view accepted invitations as options, as opposed to commitments. I’m sorry for your experience. I can’t explain it, other than to postulate that fewer people are hosting events with R.S.V.P.s these days, so guests may not understand the work and expense they entail. The good news, I suppose, is that the toddler guest of honor was blissfully unaware of the high percentage of no-shows. I hope your child had a happy birthday!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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