I had friends warn me that the teen years are no joke. I had no idea what they meant.
I have four kids, and currently, three of them are teenagers: 17, 15, and 13. Even though I have almost a decade of experience teaching young adults — most in the 18- to 22-year-old range — parenting my own teens has surprised me in many ways.
One thing I’ve learned is that it’s critically important for me to choose my battles as a parent. Not every teen-parent confrontation needs to evolve into conflict.
Here are the areas where I do not battle with my teens.
My teens can wear what they want, within reason
Each kid has their own sense of style, and I’m fine with it.
One of my teens went through a phase of wearing all black. Another prefers to wear the same hoodie almost every day. One loves jeans, while one of my kids loathes them.
I do draw the line in certain situations, but I use these opportunities — church, a funeral, a wedding, a job interview — to teach my kids to “read the room.”
I’m a big proponent of dressing for comfort. Even on special occasions, like when we recently attended my dear aunt’s funeral, I make sure my kids have appropriate attire that still meets their sensory needs.
My teens can choose their own extracurricular activities
My husband and I are not trying to live out our own childhood dreams or past preferences through our teens.
My husband grew up playing golf, playing in the school band, and earning the rank of Eagle Scout. None of our kids are in or have been in Scouts or golf, though one did join the school band for a short time.
We want our kids to pursue their interests and build their own skill sets. Right now, I have one teen who likes art and Color Guard, another who plays basketball, and another who wrestles.
As long as the activity is doable for our large family, financially and physically, we allow it.
My teens can choose their own media consumption, with a few exceptions
I am not the parent who micromanages the movies, music, podcasts, audiobooks, or TV shows that my teens choose to consume.
However, we’ve had plenty of conversations about “garbage in, garbage out,” listening to their own brain and body cues, and remembering they have a younger sister who is observing what her older siblings choose to do or not do — in all aspects, not just with media choices.
We do have fairly strict phone rules for our kids, including no social media, as we are well aware of the detrimental effects of such use. I want my kids to develop their own preferences and honor their tastes, not just lock in to whatever we prefer or what their peers think is best.
My teens choose their friends and who they date
We give our teens the freedom to select their friends and who they date.
However, we also believe in being good role models for what a healthy, balanced friendship and dating relationship looks like. We don’t hesitate to point out red flags. That said, we also know that the teen years are a time of trial and error, live and learn.
We have to walk a fine line between giving freedom, offering guidance, and stepping in, only when absolutely necessary. We also have to refrain from saying “I told you so” when a relationship goes awry.
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