Our youngest, who is 37 and uses they/them pronouns, has a long history of psychological problems. They sent a text informing us that they no longer want to interact with family members, and that if we want to meet with them, they require an advocate to be present. This child lives in our second home. They don’t pay rent, but they have a job that covers food and health insurance costs. We’re not sure what caused the break. They had a very bad interaction with our son, and we asked them to work it out themselves. But our son wants nothing to do with his sibling, and my husband wants to stop communicating with them, too. He says they are toxic. I am heartbroken. What should I do?
MOTHER
I may be off base, but I feel optimistic about your child’s text. You don’t mention anyone asking to meet with them, so perhaps the text was their indirect way of reaching out to you. Your child may want to meet — together with a neutral party — to discuss the issues that make your relationship so difficult. Why else send the text?
I would respond that you look forward to meeting with them and their advocate as soon as possible. At the very least, you will learn the reason for their break with the family. An advocate may seem excessive, but I suspect it will give your child comfort to know they won’t be going up against the entire family alone. Encourage your husband and son to attend the meeting, but don’t force them. Remind them, too, that psychological problems are not “toxic”; they are mental health issues.
Now, I sympathize with your heartbreak — and even with your husband’s avoidance. The whole family is probably exhausted from years of difficulty. But your child is not to blame for their mental health, and leaving them to struggle alone, particularly when they have opened the door for a meeting, seems wrong. Accept the indirect invitation, and try to take a productive step forward.
Chicken or Fish? He’d Say Steak.
I invited a cousin whom I have seen three times in the past decade to my wedding. I addressed the invitation to him alone. He had his sister text me that he wanted to bring his girlfriend, whom I’ve never met. He claimed he couldn’t get into our wedding website, which annoyed me: No one else has had a problem. I told him politely that he couldn’t bring a date. He told me to try my best. Later, he R.S.V.P.’d for two. We will probably have space for his date in the second round of invitations, but his behavior makes me want to refuse him. Is that petty?
BRIDE
When you are planning a big event, don’t sweat every detail: There are simply too many of them. It sounds as if you invited a cousin whom you don’t really care about to your wedding. (It happens!) He first aggravated you by asking to bring a date and then again by refusing to take no for an answer. So, give him your final answer: yes or no. It doesn’t really matter. It’s your wedding — you and your partner get to make the guest list.
Oh, but Enough About You
Lately, I have had several one-on-one conversations with men in which I — a woman — ask all the questions and the men happily talk about themselves. This may be a neighbor I see in the street or an acquaintance I bump into at a shop. I am tired of nonreciprocal conversations! How can I teach men to ask questions and be curious?
CONVERSATIONALIST
I respect your experience, but it doesn’t align with mine. I meet plenty of men who are curious about others, including women, and plenty of women who talk blue streaks about themselves. I suspect the difficulty here turns on conversational style, not gender — though male privilege certainly colors many interactions.
My advice: After you have asked three questions of someone you meet unexpectedly, and he or she has not asked you anything in return, stop talking. That person may want the conversation to be over — or may surprise you by turning the focus to you. But we have to first create a silence to give others the chance to fill it. Or, if you want to be more aggressive, say: “Now would be a great time to ask me a question!”
Personalized Embroidery, and Not a Stitch of Thanks
I am an older gent. I used to make and sell patchwork pillows that I embroidered with customers’ names. They were popular! Now, I make them for young relatives. Some recipients (and their parents) don’t acknowledge the gifts. I’m OK with that: Gifts don’t require anything in return. But should I tell them they can remove the embroidery easily and donate the pillows? I assume they don’t like them.
GREAT UNCLE
If I were you, my feelings would be hurt. So, I’m glad yours aren’t. It amazes me how thoughtless many people have become about thanking others for gifts. It takes one minute! But I wouldn’t follow up or assume that recipients dislike the pillows. They’re just being careless. I hope these experiences don’t dissuade you from crafting on. And I wish I could convince people how good it feels — for both parties — to thank others for their kindness.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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