Nonmonogamous relationships can take many forms, including polyamory, open marriages, solo-poly, swinging, polycules.
These can be plenty contentious. In recent days, however, a different relationship formation has fueled an online debate: one-sided, or one-way, monogamy.
It is what it sounds like: a relationship in which only one partner is allowed to venture beyond the primary relationship. In “Inside the Manosphere,” the Netflix documentary from the filmmaker Louis Theroux that delves into the nebulous constellation of podcasters and influencers targeting male audiences, that primary relationship is heterosexual, and that person is the man.
In a scene that set off this discussion, Mr. Theroux asks Justin Waller, a manosphere influencer, to explain his relationship, which he describes as “one-sided monogamy.” “Women don’t want to sleep with other men when they love a man,” Mr. Waller says.
“The mother of my children,” he adds, “the woman that I’m with, she doesn’t talk to other men.”
Relationship experts say it’s possible for an open relationship to be asymmetrical: At any given moment, one person may be practicing the “open” part more than the other. But context is key.
“In the manosphere, there’s a lot of crude, evolutionary psychology where they glom onto these pseudoscientific explanations for why what men want to do is natural,” said James Bloodworth, the author of “Lost Boys: A Personal Journey Through the Manosphere.”
“They used these justifications to say that men are programmed to sleep with lots of women,” he added. “Whereas women are programmed to be with one man.”
OK, but what exactly is one-sided monogamy?
Essentially, it is a partnership in which one person is expected to remain monogamous while the other can have sexual or emotional relationships with others.
But in the context of the manosphere, the term refers specifically to heterosexual relationships split along strict gender lines: The woman must stay committed to her husband or boyfriend while the man is free to pursue outside relationships.
This isn’t a new concept, said Elisabeth Sheff, a sociologist and relationship coach specializing in polyamory and ethical nonmonogamy. Throughout history, “wealthy and powerful men” have often been allowed to have multiple partners, she said. And some open relationships take on a one-sided dynamic, though in those cases, it is usually mutually agreed upon.
“On that level, I can see where they’re coming from in terms of wanting it,” she said about those promoting one-sided monogamy. But, she added, the idea that “it’s inevitable that women don’t want multiple partners — that is just absolutely false.”
Where did the term come from?
The concept seems to have been bubbling online for quite awhile. For example, in a post on Reddit 11 years ago, a woman sought guidance on how to navigate a one-sided monogamous dynamic imposed by her boyfriend.
But the discussion has recently broken into public view, courtesy of the manosphere.
Mr. Bloodworth said that while researching his book, published last year, he found that some men he spoke to aspired to have “a harem of women or multiple girlfriends.”
What started this discussion?
In the Netflix documentary, Mr. Theroux examines the growing manosphere network and ideology, interviewing male influencers who uphold its male-centric values. He speaks with several about their ideas of what it means to be a man, such as being physically fit, having a lot of money and sleeping with many women.
After he talks to Mr. Waller, Mr. Theroux interviews Amrou Fudl, better known as Myron Gaines, the co-host of the podcast “Fresh and Fit,” which is branded as a “men’s self-improvement podcast.”
Mr. Fudl tells Mr. Theroux that he understands women and knows what’s best for them. “That’s how women want it,” Mr. Fudl said. “They want a guy that can lead them and dominate them.”
Moments later, Mr. Theroux asks Mr. Fudl’s girlfriend how she feels about one-sided monogamy and the potential for her partner to have multiple wives. Looking uncomfortable, she says she will “see when it happens.”
How is one-sided monogamy different from an open relationship?
There are various nontraditional relationship models in which consenting participants pursue relationships and sexual encounters with people other than their primary partner.
These dynamics have grown in popularity in recent years, especially among progressive and left-leaning daters. However, those in the manosphere are using similar terminology to define specific gender roles within a relationship, Dr. Sheff said.
Although there is such a thing as a “mono-poly relationship,” in which one partner remains monogamous while the other dates outside the relationship, those designations are not dictated by gender and sexual orientation, Dr. Sheff said. In these relationships, both roles are negotiated.
Isn’t this just cheating?
Depends on whom you ask! Infidelity has existed for a very long time, and cheating implies dishonesty, which isn’t the case here. But only those within a given relationship can say for sure..
Gina Cherelus covers dating, relationships and culture for The Times and writes the weekly dating column Third Wheel.
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