There are plenty of ways to deal with anxiety that actually help. Then there are the habits that feel helpful for about five minutes, before they send your brain right back into the same exhausting loop. That’s what’s so irritating. A lot of anxiety coping looks reasonable on the surface, right up until you realize you’ve built a routine around feeding the exact thing you’re trying to calm down.
SELF spoke with clinical psychologists Lauren Cook, PhD, and Alicia Hodge, PsyD, about the habits that can quietly keep anxiety running the show. As Cook said, “there’s no one-size-fits-all approach,” which means coping tools have to help long-term, not just rescue you in the moment.
1. You cancel plans the second you feel anxious
Sometimes staying home is the right call. But if your first move is always to bail, your brain starts learning that avoidance equals safety. Cook told SELF that this “gets framed as self-care,” even though it can become “a classic form of avoidance.” If every mildly uncomfortable plan gets scrapped, anxiety gets a very flattering amount of power.
2. You use the internet to soothe every fear
Googling symptoms at 1 a.m. or asking the internet to help you decipher an email you got may seem productive. It can also wind you up further. Cook said that this is “a classic reinforcer of anxiety that makes people even more hypervigilant.” The urge makes sense. Anxiety loves the fantasy that one more search will finally deliver certainty. Usually, it just delivers more anxiety.
3. You ask friends for reassurance, then reject the answer
Talking to friends can help sometimes. Interrogating them until they give you the one answer you wanted is a different story. Hodge said, “You’re testing this cycle of, ‘I’m looking for one response only, and I won’t accept what else they might say.’” That can drain everybody involved, including you. Reassurance has a nasty way of expiring almost immediately when anxiety is running the conversation.
4. You tell yourself one thing will fix everything
If you get the promotion, the text back, the clear scan result, the perfect plan, then you’ll relax. That line of thinking is seductive because it gives anxiety a finish line. Hodge told SELF that this logic can trap people into believing “Everything has to be fine once I check this thing off the list,” but life does not work like that. Neither does your nervous system.
5. You expect to beat anxiety for good
This one can feel especially cruel. You meditate, go to therapy, read the books, and then feel furious with yourself when anxiety still pops up before a big meeting or after an awkward conversation. Hodge said, “There’s no one magic thing you can do,” and Cook added, “Accept that your anxiety is there, and know you can still live a meaningful life with it.” That mindset might sound hopeful, but it’s a lot better than spending your life waiting to become a fully unbothered person with no stress at all.
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