As a young girl, Lilli Correll both loved and feared her mother.
In good times, she felt special — her mother affectionately called her Monkey, and they often laughed together. “I was her favorite child,” said Ms. Correll, now 55 and living in Austin, Texas.
But at other times her mother, who had bipolar disorder, would abruptly turn violent, once throwing Ms. Correll against a wall and threatening to murder her, she said.
Despite the abuse Ms. Correll found herself drawn to her mother, only to be rejected again and again. That dynamic would go on to repeat itself in Ms. Correll’s marriage, which was emotionally abusive, she said.
It wasn’t until she was in her 40s that she discovered, with the help of therapy, that she had formed a trauma bond with her abusers.
Lately the phrase “trauma bond” has been used online to describe the connection that can grow out of sharing a difficult experience with someone. Videos on TikTok refer to “trauma-bonded besties who overshare” and “trauma bonding instead of going to therapy.” But when it is used as a psychological term, the phrase refers to a victim’s strong emotional attachment toward their abuser.
Trauma experts caution against using the phrase loosely, which can “diminish the real experiences of survivors,” explained Megan Cutter, the chief of victim services at the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network.
What is a trauma bond?
While there’s no formal definition, experts in domestic violence and sexual violence often use “trauma bond” to describe an attachment between a victim and abuser that is difficult for the victim to leave.
Early references to the term appeared in a 1981 paper about “traumatic bonding” in abuse victims and in the 1997 book “The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships” by Patrick J. Carnes, a counselor with expertise in sexual compulsion and trauma.
“Cycles of abuse followed by kindness” solidify trauma bonds, said Pierluigi Mancini, the interim president and chief executive of the advocacy group Mental Health America. Experts call these cycles “intermittent reinforcement,” he added. Even if a victim has experienced abuse, they will feel drawn to the relationship, anticipating that the abuser will eventually show love or empathy once again.
Reconciliation often causes the release of dopamine and oxytocin, neurotransmitters that are associated with pleasure and social bonding, said Dr. Mancini, who worked with trauma victims in Atlanta for 20 years.
These positive moments can have a “paralyzing” effect, he explained, that can prevent victims from leaving the relationship.
What are the potential signs of a trauma bond?
Remaining in a relationship despite having experienced abuse: If a victim continually returns to an abuser or feels they cannot leave, it is a sign that the person is instinctually drawn to seek safety from the abuser, with whom the victim has a strong attachment.
Rationalizing the abuse: Oftentimes, people who experience abuse will give their abuser the benefit of the doubt, said Janina Fisher, a clinical psychologist with expertise in trauma. They might say “It’s not who he is, but he just loses it, and he’s so sorry afterward” or “It was my fault — I shouldn’t have asked him to take out the trash,” she said.
Social isolation: A person in an abusive relationship may become increasingly distant from people with whom they used to spend time, which can signal that they are under pressure to spend most of their time with their abuser. Dr. Fisher noted that “I can’t see my family and friends” is different from “I see much less of my family and friends because my relationship is important to me.”
Fear of abandonment: Although a victim may wish to leave the abusive relationship, the prospect of living without their abuser can seem unbearable. There is a fear that “‘I can’t survive without this person,’” Dr. Fisher said.
How can a person break a trauma bond?
When counseling a victim in an abusive relationship, the first priority is making sure the person is physically and emotionally safe, Dr. Mancini said.
Speaking with a therapist who understands trauma as well as post-traumatic stress disorder can help someone who has been abused reconnect with safe relationships, learn techniques to regulate the nervous system and recognize patterns of abuse. Therapists can also help victims untangle feelings of shame that can accompany abuse, Dr. Mancini added.
Not everyone is ready for therapy, though. Some people might be more comfortable calling or texting the National Domestic Violence Hotline or RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline, where they will remain anonymous.
It can be dangerous to leave an abusive relationship, and each step of the process requires careful preparation. Hotlines can connect callers with support services like mental health professionals, domestic violence shelters or lawyers, and guide them in forming a safety plan.
“Maybe they’re not quite ready to leave or they’re not sure — we honor where they are,” Ms. Cutter, of RAINN, said. For some people, she added, this is the first time they learn that there’s a reason they’ve stayed in the relationship.
“The reason you can’t leave is actually this complex psychological dynamic with the person who’s hurting you,” she said. “And you’re not the first person to go through that, and you are not alone.”
Christina Caron is a Times reporter covering mental health.
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