If you were looking for another excuse to drink on a weeknight, we’ve got some good news for you. That’s right, today is St. Patrick’s Day. But before you slap on some goofy green outfit and proceed to get drunk, we thought we’d pass along a few jokes on the subject to get you in the mood for your inevitable hangover. Here’s what 10 famous comics had to say about every drinker’s favorite holiday.
10. JOAN RIVERS
“Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!!! I’m not Irish. I’m Jewish. If you want to see green on me, check my wallet.”
9. GREG FITZSIMMONS
“I’m 100% Irish, and I resent how we’re treated on our day. You know, Saint Patrick’s Day comes and every other race comes together to honor us by saying, ‘Hey, let’s get s–tfaced, throw up, and punch each other in the face. You know, like Irish people do.’”
8. JOHNNY CARSON
“The first guy I saw today was Ed [McMahon] and I said, ‘Happy Saint Patrick’s Day.’ I said, ‘Nice green shoes you’ve got on.’ And he said, ‘They’re not green, a leprechaun barfed on me.’”
7. NORM MACDONALD
“Next week, people everywhere will celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day. Or, as alcoholics refer to it, Monday.”
6. COLIN QUINN
“Why do people feel they have to go out and get drunk on this day? It’s an insult to all the millions of Irish people that don’t drink; the ones that are in A.A.”
5. ROBIN WILLIAMS
“‘What was your holiday?’ ‘Getting rid of the snakes.’ ‘Wow, good luck. Ours is about leaving Egypt, hello.’ ‘We don’t need to flee.’ The Irish are fleeing. ‘What are you taking?’ ‘We’ll take the flatbread.’ ‘What are we taking?’ ‘We’ll take all the Guinness with us. Keep going. It’s Irish Passover.’”
4. LEWIS BLACK
“I wanna wish you all out there a very, very Happy Saint Patrick’s Day, the patron saint of alcohol. Really. He’s the one—he invented, uh, Jameson, I think, was Saint Patrick. Saint Patrick came to Ireland and said, ‘F–k, uh, I’m gonna get rid of the snakes and let’s have a drink.’”
3. JIMMY KIMMEL
“Interesting fact: Saint Patrick’s Day was originally celebrated with the color blue, but they changed it to green because that is the color you get when you mix blue with vomit.”
2. BILL BURR
“This is Valentine’s Day for alcoholics…you can’t get a f–king seat, everything’s booked up, there’s a line everywhere. It’s a big f–king pain in the a–, everybody’s dressed like an a—–e. It’s the exact same thing.”
1. JIM GAFFIGAN
“St. Patrick, patron saint of Ireland. Every March 17th we honor St. Patrick by getting wasted. Right? But we don’t know. We don’t know. St. Patrick could be up in Heaven going, ‘I didn’t even drink. What are these people doing? I like the color blue, I made that very clear. Can someone remind God I’m from Italy? I don’t wanna rock the boat here, but these Irish are degenerates.’”
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