In the past five years, my family has been through a lot of changes. My father died, I’ve gotten married and had two children, and my sister has gotten married and moved several states away. I went from seeing her every two weeks to only once or twice each year.
We have been discussing going on a family vacation with her and her husband. When I reached out to nail down the plans, she said she doesn’t want to go anymore because the idea of spending a week with my children sounds exhausting. She has always struggled with social situations and likes her alone time, so while I was surprised, I wasn’t shocked. But I was shocked that she was so clear that the reason was my kids.
She insists she loves the kids and that this choice is about her, not them. All the same, this stings. It feels like a rejection of my children. And though I haven’t expressed this to her, I feel she’s being selfish. I wish she looked at this trip as a fun investment in her relationship with them, but instead she sees it as an unpleasant obligation.
The trip is off the table. How do I move forward with my sister? I love her, but I don’t feel good about how she sees my kids, or these negative feelings I’m having about her.
From the Therapist: I’m glad you started your letter by sharing the many recent changes in your family — a death, two marriages, two births and a long-distance move — because these events might inform the feelings you’re having.
After a parent dies, siblings often become each other’s primary link to the original family unit, the witnesses of a shared childhood. Loss heightens the emotional stakes of remaining family bonds, and distance — geographic or emotional — can feel like a second loss. On some level, this vacation might have represented an attempt to reclaim family cohesion in this new configuration, so when your sister declined to go, it touched on your grief. This wasn’t just a trip. It was a way of reassuring yourself that your closeness could survive all this family change.
The shift from seeing your sister every two weeks to once or twice a year is significant. But while your sister has moved away geographically, it doesn’t sound like she’s distanced herself emotionally — even though that’s what you perceived when she shared her feelings about traveling with kids.
Notice that I said “traveling with kids” and not “traveling with your kids” because what she conveyed, however clumsily, is about her relationship to children in general. You might be conflating the two because children, in our cultural mythology, are supposed to be universally delightful — especially to relatives. Many new parents imagine that others will be as enchanted by their children as they are, and if these adults are close with their siblings, they tend to have fantasies about what these siblings will be like as aunts or uncles.
But being around young children for extended periods is exhausting for many adults (including, by the way, the kids’ own parents). This is particularly true for people like your sister who value alone time, are socially uneasy and aren’t accustomed to the intensity of two children under 5.
Love and temperament are different things. You say that she’s “selfish,” but she’s simply communicating how much stimulation she can manage and what a “vacation” entails for her. You might be fine with noise, sleep schedules, whining, constant interruptions, divided attention and physical caretaking, while she and her husband might want to spend their money and precious days away from work strolling through museums, having leisurely meals or relaxing quietly on a beach.
It’s a testament to your relationship that she felt she could be honest with you about her capacity instead of making an excuse like “the timing isn’t right” or “we can’t afford it.” Now you have the opportunity to figure out what a “fun investment” in your kids looks like that doesn’t require 24/7 immersion.
For your sister, this could look like having curiosity about your children’s lives, celebrating milestones, making FaceTime calls, showing up in ways that matter to them and building individual relationships as they grow.
Meanwhile, maybe you’ll create visits in which she can engage with your children in shorter doses, such as staying at a hotel when visiting each other’s cities instead of sleeping in each other’s homes; having a balance of planned activities and copious downtime; or blocking out time together for just the adults. This last part is important. Sometimes when siblings have kids, the relationship itself gets lost behind the children. In fact, your sister’s response might have tapped into questions not only about her love for your children but also her love for you.
You may feel: If my sister loved me the way I love her, she would want this.
She may feel: If my sister loved me the way I love her, she would understand my limits.
This unspoken narrative could be the core of where you’re stuck, but it doesn’t have to be. The question to focus on is how you want to love each other in this new chapter. Families evolve; relationships require calibration. Acknowledge both your longing and her limits. Then let this experience be less about the trip that didn’t happen and more about the connection you’re shaping after all this change — one that’s chosen, not obligated.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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