This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Samantha Miller, the CEO and cofounder of Cadence OTC. It has been edited for length and clarity.
As the CEO and cofounder of a company that wants to improve access to contraception, I’m more comfortable talking about sex than most people — including my kids and husband.
Today, my son is 21, and my daughters are 25 and 27, but I started talking about sex with them early.
That helped me convey my messages about the importance of contraception and the idea that sexual wellness is part of overall health. But it didn’t make things less awkward. Talking with my son was particularly tricky. He was even more uncomfortable than my daughters. Despite my openness, he never brought the topic up with me.
I decided I wasn’t going to force him to talk about sex, but I was going to ask him to listen. There were some things that I needed to share with him, including the importance of emergency contraception and the ways that women’s sexual pleasure was different from his own.
My son thought it was funny that I gave him emergency contraceptives
I wanted to emphasize to my son that contraception isn’t only a woman’s responsibility. We discussed the importance of condoms, but also that condoms fail 10% to 15% of the time. In those cases, I told him, it made sense for him to have emergency contraception on hand.
When he went off to college two years ago, I made sure to send him with emergency contraception, just in case. The product will last a few years, so you only have to buy it once. If there’s ever a question about whether the sex was safe — like not being able to find the condom after intercourse — I wanted him to have the pill available.
He thought it was a bit funny and got a kick out of telling his friends that he had the emergency contraception. I told him that being responsible in this way is a great way to impress the ladies.
Last year, one of his friends unintentionally got a woman pregnant and was thrust into fatherhood before he planned. Seeing what his friend has gone through has been a crash course in the importance of taking accountability for contraception.
I taught my son to think about his partner’s pleasure
The topic that made my son cringe the most was discussing female pleasure. The topic didn’t bother me at all; I had a lot of wisdom to share. But I kept the conversation pretty high-level because he was uncomfortable.
Still, I wanted to plant the seed that female pleasure is different from what my son experiences as a male. It’s more complex, requires more explanation, and doesn’t happen reliably with intercourse the way male pleasure does.
I didn’t need to say much; we didn’t talk about anatomy. But I emphasized that female pleasure is important, and something my son needs to check in with his partners about.
I wish the adults in my life had talked more candidly about sex
I never talked with the adults in my life about sex. Honestly, things would have gone better for me if I had. Talking with older adults can help young people develop a maturity around sex, and I wish I’d had that guidance when I was younger.
Having a safe, pleasurable sex life is part of overall health. The more we can talk about that, the more empowered we’ll feel.
Although my kids are adults now, I still talk with all of them about sex. While it isn’t always the most comfortable, I’m glad we can have those conversations.
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