My husband is a nice, even-keeled guy who was named executor of his late father’s will and trustee of his father’s trust. His three sisters are enraged by this! We surmised as much when they hired lawyers and filed a lawsuit, claiming that my husband’s delay in performing his duties cost the trust money. In fact, it is they who have caused huge legal fees with their baseless claims. Even as we close in on a resolution of the case, they continue to file motions to have my husband removed as trustee. It is breaking his heart, and he’s finally getting angry. Our lawyer tells us there is nothing to do but wait for judgment. Still, we don’t understand his sisters’ attacks or how to move forward with them after the dust settles. It’s turned so ugly. Any thoughts?
WIFE
Are you really asking how to resume friendly relations with your sisters-in-law after a bitter court battle in which they sought to have your husband removed as trustee? Because I believe that ship has already sailed! Now, I know nothing about this case, but it seems unlikely to me — though not impossible — that three adult siblings would mount an expensive lawsuit against your husband for no reason. So, let’s put aside your assessment of the claims as baseless.
The bigger tragedy to me is that your husband’s relationships with his sisters may be tarnished forever. As a lawyer myself, I would have advised your husband to involve his sisters more directly in the administration of the estate — either formally or on an ad hoc basis — as soon as they sounded the first note of discontent. He can still do that today: Compromise does not require a judge!
Now, some may argue that it was your father-in-law’s unfettered right to choose the administrator of these documents and other parties should lump it. This is true, to some degree. But your father-in-law is dead now. And your husband’s responsibility, in my view, is to try to find compromises — perhaps with a mediator — that will satisfy all parties. I doubt your father-in-law would want to see his children at war.
Understanding the Skin Differential
Over the years, I have been shocked that — as an older, straight white woman who lives in the country — I agree so frequently with your advice. (Our demographics are so different.) In that spirit, here is my question: Why do young women, especially entertainers, feel the need to appear practically naked on TV and awards shows? I think it cheapens them. Young men don’t do this. Am I old and out of touch?
N.
Your observation is largely correct: More young women dress in revealing outfits than do their male counterparts. But the reasons for this, I think, are more complex than any one woman. In my view, women are more highly valued in society for their youth and beauty than men are. And they are encouraged — by the media and their advisers — to show it off. These same pressures do not apply to young men. Now, this is wildly unfair — but also hard to dispute.
I think your question about gender difference is an important one, and I urge you to dig into it. Start with a book called “Feminism Unmodified” by Catharine MacKinnon, who explores our culture through the lens of gender difference. It’s brilliant! And for what it’s worth: This issue goes way beyond the entertainment industry.
Comfort, When She’s Ready to Receive It
My friend’s 14-month-old son died last week. We don’t see each other very often, and we communicate by text. I learned of the death through my partner, who is friendly with her husband. Anything I can say to her now seems utterly stupid. And I don’t want to send a text, which would surface a chain filled with baby pictures. Any advice?
FRIEND
Sending condolence notes for children is about as hard as it gets. I admire your sensitivity. Try not to ambush your grieving friend: no texts, phone calls or emails, if possible. Send a note by mail or drop one in her mailbox. Let your friend control when she opens your message on this subject.
As for content, keep it simple. Express your sympathy for her loss directly. (No need to say that you can’t imagine what she’s going through.) Share a fond memory of her son: his smile, his laugh, an anecdote. This honors his memory. And check in with her a few weeks later, after the parade of condolences has passed.
How to Repay a Sponsor? Start With Respect.
I am a 75-year-old man who has been sober for 20 years. I often sponsor younger men in our Alcoholics Anonymous group. Occasionally, when they address the group, they say things like, “My sponsor is that old guy in the corner” or “I picked this 100-year-old guy to be my sponsor.” I find it off-putting. I’d like to ask them to cut it out. Pointers?
SPONSOR
These comments are clearly ageist, but they are also probably meant affectionately. (That does not make them less offensive.) Still, considering the challenging conversations you must have with these newly sober men, this isn’t that hard. Just say: “Please don’t make cracks about my age. They upset me.” Done!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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