This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Sue Miller, 83, who lives in Wisconsin. Miller raised three children, two grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren, much of which was on her own. Miller now lives alone near her autistic son and works as a lunch lady. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
I’m blessed because even when things were really hard, it always seemed like something came up to help me out. There was always some job for me. I’ve always been a survivor. How can I see it any differently?
I had three kids, 11 months and 15 months apart. My middle child, David, is autistic. He didn’t walk until he was three and was extremely hyperactive. I was lucky if we got four hours of sleep a night. He’s smart and understands, but he was always on the move.
Raising them all was hectic. I worked at a dentist’s office and as a cocktail waitress. I was able to have David stay at a training school for a month to give me a break, and when he came home, he was calmer because he had a routine.
A year after I got divorced in 1976, I moved to Arizona with my two other kids, who were still young, while David stayed in Wisconsin. Arizona didn’t have any facilities for him at the time, and he was in great hands where he was.
I moved my family to live with someone there
That didn’t work out. We bought a house together, but I bought him out. I was able to get some accounting jobs. I was an office manager with an accounting background, but I never earned a degree.
Within two years, I bought a condo using some of the money I got from selling my home in Wisconsin after my divorce. We didn’t have everything, but we were comfortable.
I tried to avoid debt because it was too overwhelming for me. I was content with resale shops. The one thing I was willing to pay for was nice cars, but I always got good deals.
When the kids lived with me after high school, they paid rent. It wasn’t a lot, and it depended on what they could afford, but I figured they had to learn responsibility.
My family is scattered
My oldest son, Todd, lives in Minnesota with two kids. My daughter, Dawn, lives in Arizona in my other house, and she has two kids. One of them, Paul, lives in Las Vegas, and the other, Christie, moved in with me at 16 when she had Jaidden, her first child. She had Jeremiah six years later.
Paul stayed with me until he was 24. Christie came home to me from the hospital with her baby. Both went back to school and got their diplomas.
I remember when Paul had friends over, they would always say “Hi, Grandma” to me and head upstairs. Paul and Christie considered me their mother instead of their grandmother. My house has always been an open house.
It was grandma’s rules at my house, and they had to follow them
Things had to be put back where they came from. They had jobs every weekend. This was the same when my great-grandkids lived with me. There has always been a lot of love.
I was taught to be very frugal, and I always worked and paid off my house early. I’ve helped everyone out if they needed it. Paul has always paid me back. A lot of people owe me money, but that’s the story of my life.
Christie was in and out of the house a few times, but she basically lived with me. I would go to water aerobics every morning, and Jaidden would come and hang out with me. Jaidden and I were very close. When Jeremiah was little, he would come into my bedroom and play with his cars. Then, he’d snuggle up next to me and squeeze my arm until he fell asleep.
If I went somewhere, I always took the kids with me. I had car seats in my car for decades.
I retired at 65 after a layoff from my accounting job at a deli meat processing plant
I didn’t work for about seven years until January 2014. My stepmother had a mild stroke, so I moved back to Wisconsin to take care of her. I didn’t have to pay rent, so I was still able to help Christie live in Arizona until my daughter moved in.
Moving also gave me the chance to spend more time with David, who lives in a group home. He’s 62 now. I pick him up on weekends, and we go for lunch or shopping. Every caregiver just loves him.
I visit Arizona all the time, but moving back here was necessary. I wish I could be in both places at once. I especially miss my great-grandsons because they’re so far away.
I started as a volunteer and ended up becoming a lunch lady
I’ve been working part-time for six years at a local school district. I work for four to five hours a day.
For the first time, I have a decent savings account, so I’m comfortable. I don’t have many bills, just insurance and utilities.
My Social Security is enough for me to live on without extra income, but I like working. I always figure this way, I’m saving money instead of spending it.
I stay active by walking on nicer days or continuing with water aerobics
I have cancer. It’s called small lymphocytic lymphoma, but I take a chemo pill every morning, and I’m on the lowest dose.
My blood pressure gets a little crazy off and on. I don’t get sick too often, though, which is good because I want to work until I’m 90. I have to live to be 100 for my grandson because I always tell him I’ll be around for a long time.
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