Your friend just got engaged. You squealed at the happy, grainy couple over FaceTime when they called to break the news, squinting at her left ring finger to try to make out cut and carat weight. You liked the Instagram post. Maybe you even drank Champagne at an engagement party.
And then she asked you to be a bridesmaid.
You said yes. But now you’re wondering: What exactly did I sign up for?
The answer may not be so simple. Depending on the bride, the role can come with a long list of tasks, expenses and requests.
This month, Eli Rallo, 27, an influencer and author, prompted a debate online after posting a TikTok video explaining that her bridesmaids were not allowed to wear one particular hairstyle at her wedding in June. The look in question was a slicked-back bun — a tight, ballerina-esque bun shellacked to the head with nary a flyaway. The style, which has become popular in recent years with celebrity brides, including Sofia Richie Grainge and Hailey Bieber, just wasn’t the right vibe for her event, said Ms. Rallo, who lives between Houston and New York. She added that she would be covering the cost of hair and makeup for her bridal party and felt the request shouldn’t pose a problem for her friends.
The video quickly inspired people to share their differing views, with commenters debating whether such demands from a bride were reasonable or overstepping. Some argued that if the bride was paying for the hair and makeup, having guidelines was fair. Others felt that dictating a certain look crossed a line. But one thing was very clear: Ms. Rallo had touched a live wire.
Jennifer Allen, a wedding planner in Dallas, said she felt many people had missed the mark in their reaction to Ms. Rallo’s video.
“I think that when a bride wants her bridesmaids to wear a certain dress, wear their hairstyle a certain way, and she’s paying, I think that that’s OK,” Ms. Allen, 39, said. “If she’s not paying, no.”
In an era when weddings are increasingly elaborate and expensive, and are often shared through — and even designed for — social media, Ms. Allen frequently works with clients who hope their big day will “go viral,” she said. That desire for a picture-perfect event can shape expectations for bridesmaids, as well.
“You’re spending that type of money, and you’re commanding that type of attention; there’s nothing wrong with saying, ‘I want things a certain way,’” Ms. Allen added.
Requests from brides don’t always stop at aesthetics. In some cases, they can extend to costly events like destination bachelorette trips or multiday celebrations.
Tori Moore, a 31-year-old bridal consultant who lives in Fredericksburg, Va., recalled a former classmate whose bachelorette party was a five-day trip to Italy, which she described as “unrealistic for most people.”
Still, Ms. Moore said that these requests were far from typical. Only a small minority of bridesmaids experience these extreme situations, she said, adding, “But, of course, that’s the one that’s going to blow up on the internet, and people are going to talk about that.”
Ms. Allen, the Dallas-based planner, said it was important for brides to set expectations for their bridesmaids at the outset.
Erica McDowell, a 27-year-old influencer who also lives in Dallas, has taken that to the extreme. Ms. McDowell, who is currently planning a wedding in Italy for next year, posted a video on Instagram in which she described in detail her strict requirements for her bridesmaids, including, in addition to wearing the typical matching dresses and hairstyles, adhering to a pre-wedding diet and not being pregnant.
In an interview, Ms. McDowell said she was not being satirical in her video. “My girls know how long I’ve been waiting for this time in my life,” she said, adding, “They just understand.” She plans to cover the cost of hair and makeup but not dresses and travel for her bridesmaids, she said.
“I truly think that people have issues with women being very finite and matter-of-fact about what they want in their lives,” Ms. McDowell said.
When asked if there was anything she thought was too much to ask of a bridesmaid, Ms. McDowell had just one answer.
“Cutting somebody’s hair,” Ms. McDowell said. “That’s it.”
Days after posting her initial video about slicked-back buns, Ms. Rallo, the influencer, posted a follow-up video to clarify her position after her initial take received over a million views, referring to it as “SBB-gate.”
Ms. Rallo said that if one of her bridesmaids said she only felt comfortable wearing a slicked-back bun, she would gladly allow her to wear her hair that way. She had received multiple nasty messages online since posting her video, she added.
“It’s, like, not that deep,” Ms. Rallo said in the second video. “I just thought it was a funny video about the distinction between slick-back-bun weddings versus not-slick-back-bun weddings.”
Madison Malone Kircher is a Times reporter covering internet culture.
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