A few months ago, my parents visited me at The New York Times. As we rode the elevator to my floor, my father greeted almost everyone who stepped inside.
For my dad, strangers in an elevator are merely friends he hasn’t met. To a guy toting a large cup of coffee: “That’ll get your brain going!” To a woman I recognized from the Styles section: “Your sneakers are terrific!”
“Oh my god, Dad,” I whispered, suddenly 16 again.
I’m not quite as chatty as he is, but I do understand why my father does this: It makes your world friendlier.
Gillian Sandstrom, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Sussex and author of the upcoming book “Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How ‘Small Talk’ Can Add Up to a Big Life,” has been studying the effects of talking to strangers for the last 16 years. She has found that it can increase your well-being, improve your social skills, reduce anxiety and social biases and make you feel more connected.
A self-described introvert and a formerly “incredibly shy person,” Dr. Sandstrom said that plucking up the courage to talk to people she doesn’t know had changed her life.
By talking to strangers, Dr. Sandstrom has met a volunteer who administers first aid to bats as well as a sperm-bank manager. These sorts of chance exchanges, she said, add novelty, different perspectives, unexpected recommendations and learning opportunities into our lives, making them more “psychologically rich.”
Here are Dr. Sandstrom’s tips on how to chat up strangers.
Pick people whose ‘interests are visible’
To minimize discomfort, choose a place that provides a limited time for both of you, she said — say, a train platform or a checkout line rather than the beginning of a trans-Atlantic flight.
Choose a person who seems receptive. For instance, you might smile and see if it’s returned, she said.
An easy shortcut to conversation, Dr. Sandstrom said, is to look for someone who is displaying their interests: a band T-shirt, a museum tote bag, an antique brooch. Then simply ask about it, she said.
When Dr. Sandstrom spots a person reading a book on the Tube in London, she will wait for the reader to put the book down and then ask if it’s good. “I’ve found people love to give recommendations,” she said.
While she said there was no perfect way to start a conversation, a good formula was to ask a question, find something in common or extend a kindness such as an offer to help.
Follow your curiosity
If you’re genuinely intrigued by something that someone is doing, it’s usually “worth the awkwardness” of asking about it, Dr. Sandstrom said.
“If someone is eating something delicious-looking at a restaurant, ask what it is,” she writes in the book. “If you see a line snaking down the block, ask someone what they’re waiting for.”
Usually, people will be happy to share what they’re doing, she said.
Pretend you’re a regular
If you’re feeling a little nervous, one way to take the leap is to pretend you’re a frequent customer in an unfamiliar place, Dr. Sandstrom said.
In one of her studies, which took place in a coffee shop, she had one group hand money to the cashier with little interaction, while the other group was told to act like a regular — smile, make eye contact and have a genuine social interaction. The ones who acted like regulars were able to comfortably talk to strangers, and they felt greater happiness and a sense of belonging.
Accept that you may get rejected
Dr. Sandstrom’s research suggests that people avoid talking to strangers because they assume the other person won’t like them. But rejection doesn’t occur as often as you might think, she said.
In a 2022 study, Dr. Sandstrom and her coauthors tasked people with talking to strangers. As it turns out, participants anticipated significantly more rejection than they received: 87 percent of the time, across hundreds of encounters, strangers took the bait and had a conversation.
If the person doesn’t engage, “that doesn’t feel great, but the feeling often passes quite quickly,” Dr. Sandstrom said. You might forget an unsuccessful encounter within minutes, she added, but you may always remember ones that did go well. And they tend to be much more numerous, she added.
As I walked my parents back to the lobby after their visit, my dad pointed to a security guard. “It’s that fellow’s birthday today,” he said. “I found out when I was talking to him this morning. So be sure and wish him a happy birthday.”
Yes, Dad.
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Let’s keep the conversation going. Follow Well on Instagram, or write to us at [email protected]. And check out last week’s newsletter about how to get through the rest of winter.
Jancee Dunn, who writes the weekly Well newsletter for The Times, has covered health and science for more than 20 years.
The post The Big Benefits of Small Talk appeared first on New York Times.
