Whenever we visit my son and daughter-in-law and there are no other guests around, the two of them argue with each other. Sometimes my daughter-in-law will make negative comments about my son or their relationship. I don’t know why she feels she can say negative things about him in front of his parents and not be apologetic. Sometimes he says things to tease her or be humorous, which she is not always appreciative of.
Unfortunately, this happens when their 16-month-old child is listening, too, but not when her parents or other family members or friends are present. The latest outburst happened while we were riding together in a car. My son said something that triggered a response from her. At first, she defended her position, but then her comments were demeaning about my son. No one knew what to say, so I just changed the topic and ignored the outburst. This has happened many times over the course of their marriage.
Normally, we get along well. Since we live two hours away, often they are gracious about asking us to stay with them or babysit our granddaughter.
My daughter-in-law’s brother is remarrying after his divorce last year, and I know this is weighing on her. My son has a business which is causing some stress on the family. I’m concerned about their marriage, her happiness and what, if anything, I should do when these outbursts happen. I’m wondering if I should talk to my son privately, too.
From the Therapist: You’re describing a dilemma many parents of adult children face when they’re concerned about their children’s well-being: when (and how) to speak up, and when to stay quiet. But what’s different here is that you’re not just hearing about the difficulty in your son’s marriage, nor are you simply witnessing it. You have been conscripted into it as part of the marital dynamic itself.
When a couple argues in front of an audience, they’re no longer speaking to each other. They’re communicating through each other. You aren’t bystanders — you’ve become participants in a triangle that serves a purpose: validation, accountability or a plea for help.
I don’t know what’s driving these public episodes, but it’s possible that your daughter-in-law doesn’t feel heard when she and your son are alone. Many couples fall into patterns where one partner raises a concern and the other becomes defensive, “jokes” it away, problem-solves too quickly or shuts down. Over time, the partner who feels unheard might escalate — not only in tone but also in venue: If I say this here, maybe it will finally register and someone will intervene.
Escalating her grievances in your presence could be her way of bringing her case to the court with the greatest jurisdiction. After all, even as adults, we tend to remain sensitive to our own parents’ moral gaze; their approval and disappointment often still matter. It’s also possible that appealing to parental authority reflects her history: If being believed when she grew up required witnesses, if feelings had to be amplified to be taken seriously, or if change required another figure to step in, she might have learned to instinctively escalate conflict.
When we feel unheard, we don’t tend to invent new relational moves; we reach for the ones that once worked. The same might be true with your son’s teasing. The way we fight in adulthood often echoes how we learned to fight in our families of origin.
Now layer in the context you describe: her brother’s divorce, the discomfort about his remarriage, the stress of your son’s business and the responsibility of parenting a toddler.
For any number of reasons, you’ve been recruited to regulate something they aren’t resolving between them. So what can you do?
First, trust your instincts so far: None of this makes demeaning comments acceptable. Public criticism places your son in a regressed role — the child chastised in front of his parents. It also places you in a bind between concern and restraint. Then there’s your granddaughter: Even a very young child absorbs emotional tone long before language. Still, you were wise not to intervene mid-conflict, which would have drawn you deeper into the triangle that these interchanges have created.
Second, remember that while you care about their marriage (which you don’t have control over), you also care about spending time with them (which you do have control over), and that’s the place from which you can speak up.
In a calm moment, you can approach them together, so that you don’t appear to be taking sides. Acknowledge that they seem under strain — business pressures, family transitions, parenting fatigue — and that you sometimes notice tensions rise when you’re together. Then own your experience without blaming either of them: “When we’re all together, sometimes I feel this tension I don’t know what to do with. I end up changing the subject or going quiet, and then I leave feeling like I handled it badly.”
From there, you can pose a question about what you can do in those moments, rather than what they should do:
“I don’t know what’s happening between you when we visit, and it’s not my place to get involved. But I noticed that this seems to happen around us, and I want to ask: Is there anything about our visits that makes things harder? Something we do or don’t do that would make these visits go more smoothly? We love spending time with you, and want your advice on what would be helpful to have a more peaceful time.”
Notice that you’re speaking to the emotional tone of the family dynamics, not adjudicating their marital grievances. The goal here isn’t resolution. It’s contact — a small, genuine moment of honesty that says: I see something, and I’m not going to pretend I don’t. And while I’m not going to be your mediator, I’m coming to you with candor and compassion about how this affects our time together. That alone changes the dynamic of the unspoken triangle, which is a start in creating a shift.
Your son and daughter-in-law may or may not decide to find a better audience for their issues. Maybe they’ll decide to speak with a therapist or counselor, or they might just inflict their arguments onto another family member. But whatever they do, you’re modeling something important for them. Your steadiness — neither silent complicity nor reactive intrusion — keeps you from becoming the referee of a marriage that isn’t yours to repair, and honors the part of your relationship with them that belongs to you. That’s often the best we can do for the people we love.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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