If you’re going to be mocked mercilessly for the shenanigans going on in your state, you might as well embrace it. That’s the idea behind The Florida Man Games, now in its third year. It’s like the Olympics, but worse in every way imaginable. More specifically, it turns the state’s wildest “Florida man” headlines into a series of full-contact sports.
This year, the competition moved from St. Augustine to the Freedom Factory, a Bradenton-area racetrack owned by YouTube creator and stock-car racer Cleetus McFarland. Founder Pete Melfi said about 5,000 people attended.
As reported by the Orlando Sentinel, twelve teams from across Florida competed in ripped-from-the-headlines events like an episode of Law & Order, but with more mullets and those “Macho Man” Randy Savage sunglasses everybody wears now.
The day opened with the “naked rampage,” where clothed contestants straddled pool noodles and knocked over plastic flamingos. “Bullwhips and bad decisions” required players to disarm opponents’ beer belts with a whip, and “taser tag” is exactly what you think it is.
The Florida Man Games Have a Champion
Some fan-favorite games returned, including one I’m going to call American Groceriators, because it looks like American Gladiators set within the panicked aisles of a grocery store as people stock up on hurricane supplies. Visually, it’s a lot like watching vintage Black Friday footage from back in its heyday, when people would stomp the life out of a fellow countryman for 50 percent off a flat-screen TV.
There was also an obstacle course finale in which competitors crawled under a vehicle to remove a catalytic converter before sprinting from a pursuing SWAT officer from the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office, which, as a ride or die Floridian, so frighteningly captures the Florida experience that I fear this competition might actually be a legitimate training ground for future felons.
The reigning champions, Team Hanky Spanky of St. Augustine, hoped for a third consecutive title but ultimately finished second. The home team from Freedom Factory clinched the win, but not without at least one near-post-match fight. It wouldn’t have been a Florida-themed event if everyone made it out unscathed.
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