DEAR ABBY: I lost my beloved mother-in-law five years ago. Since then, my father-in-law has become engaged to a woman who, frankly, is not liked by anyone in our family. She’s unkind and dismissive, and her presence creates tension at family gatherings.
They have now announced their wedding date, which happens to fall on my birthday. This has hit me hard. My parents have both passed away, and my birthday has always been a cherished day, filled with memories and meaning. It was one of the few days I felt truly celebrated. Now, I worry that every future birthday will be overshadowed by their anniversary and the complicated emotions tied to it.
Would it be selfish or inappropriate to ask them to consider a different date? I don’t want to cause drama, but I also feel deeply hurt. How do I navigate this without making things worse? — TORN BETWEEN GRACE AND GRIEF
DEAR TORN: I am sorry for your disappointment, but the date of your birth does not belong solely to you. It’s clear that you disapprove of your father-in-law’s choice of a second wife, and I sincerely hope you will be able to adjust. I do not think it will go over well if you approach the happy couple and ask them to change the date of their nuptials to accommodate you.
DEAR ABBY: I am 67, and my husband is 68. For the past six years, we have been caring for aging parents. My father-in-law, who had Alzheimer’s, passed away a few years ago. We went through a lot with him as his illness progressed. My mother-in-law is 87 and does not want to go into a nursing home. She still lives by herself, but my sister-in-law and I take turns cooking and bringing her food, and my husband works his tail off cutting the grass and doing maintenance and repairs she can no longer do. Although we are retired, our lives revolve around her needs.
I recently had a conversation with my daughter, my only child. She has three sets of parents — us, my ex and his wife and her husband’s parents. She said she loves us, but she doesn’t want to take care of any of us. When she retires, she wants to enjoy her retirement, travel and not have to worry about caring for anybody.
Having gone through it myself, I understand her feelings. Nobody WANTS to do this. At the same time, I’m a little hurt. All that we have — money, cars, house — is set up to go to her after we pass. Now it looks like we may need it to pay for assisted living. Abby, is it normal for kids these days to refuse to help aging parents? — REVISING PLANS IN MISSOURI
DEAR REVISING: I don’t know whether it has become “normal,” but it is not unusual. Woe to any parent who assumes their children will take care of them, because it doesn’t always turn out that way. Be glad your daughter is speaking up now, so you can plan accordingly.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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