I receive angry texts from friends and relatives frequently. But their anger is not directed at me. They are usually ranting about something that neither of us can control: a mutual acquaintance, a governmental policy or bad behavior online. Still, I feel as if I am being asked to take on someone else’s irritability, and I often feel like a dumping ground for their annoyance. I want to respond in a way that doesn’t diminish their feelings — but also lets them know that I don’t want to be involved in their anger. Any suggestions?
TEXTER
It’s not just on your phone! I see bursts of anger everywhere online: in the rightful indignation at our sorry public life and in the noisy grievance at petty complaints. Worse — thanks to social media, comment sections and our 24/7 digital connectedness — we also seem to have a million outlets for venting our annoyance.
It’s a big problem. So, what do we do about it?
I am little inclined (and have less right) to police the comments of others. They’re allowed to be angry. So, for my peace of mind, I emulate the young parents I see snatching screens from their voracious children. I set hard limits on my screen time and use of devices, especially for social media and idle texting. Of course, many of the texts I receive are warmhearted and kind! But those aren’t usually the ones that stick with me. It’s the nasty ones that get me down.
Now, as for your friends’ disgruntled texts, I recommend less empathy of the sort that could encourage further dumping (“Oh, that must have been so annoying for you!”). Protect yourself: It is not necessary to respond to every grievance. Let some texts go, change the subject when possible and learn the art of the shrugging reply: “Annoying! But not much to be done about it, right?” When your friends do not receive the stimulation they seek from you, they will probably take their anger elsewhere.
Invoicing for Half a Pair of Mittens
My cousin and I took my toddler grandnephew to the park. We played for a while and then took him to a cafe for a snack. While we were wrestling him out of his winter layers, we noticed he was wearing only one mitten. We couldn’t find the mate anywhere, so my cousin and I offered to replace the mittens. His parents gave us the information: replacement cost, with expedited shipping from Finland, $75! My cousin offered to split the cost with me, and she watched me place the order online. But it has been two months now, and she hasn’t paid me. And I haven’t asked. Help!
COUSIN
So, it’s your contention that watching you place an order online created, in that moment, your cousin’s obligation to pay. That seems odd to me. I would have sent her a note when the mittens (or my credit card bill) arrived: “Overpriced merch received! Your share: $37.50.” Send that note now and continue to use your words when you want specific things from other people.
They’re Simpatico. I’m Perplexed.
My brother is in a serious relationship, and he has become close with his girlfriend’s family, particularly her mother. Our family is Black and Muslim, and many of our relatives are immigrants. The issue: The girlfriend’s mother makes social media posts that are anti-immigrant, Islamophobic and racist. I don’t understand how my brother can be friends with her. Should I bring this up with him or leave him alone?
SISTER
I’m sorry that anyone has to look at hateful social media posts. Still, I don’t understand your endgame here. Do you want your brother to confront his girlfriend’s mother or distance himself from her family (which may strain an important relationship), or are you merely curious? I would bet that your brother isn’t crazy about the mother’s bigotry, but we don’t choose our families, and your brother seems an unlikely candidate to change the worldview of his girlfriend’s mother.
As a gay man, I often have the puzzling experience of hearing people make homophobic comments in my presence while also seeming to be genuinely fond of me. Many times, I say nothing: I pick my battles. Perhaps your brother is taking a similar tack. Ask him about the friendship if you’re curious. But if your real aim is to express contempt for a person who is probably a fixture in your brother’s life, I would leave it alone.
No Expiration Date on Gratitude
I received my Ph.D. last May. For some reason, I have delayed writing thank-you notes to the members of my dissertation committee. Now, I am so mortified by my procrastination that I feel as if I can’t send them. How should I approach this? Do I spend half the letter apologizing for my delay?
TARDY
Thank-you notes have one purpose, and it’s right in the name. So, the more time you spend writing about yourself — about your procrastination, for instance — the less focused on gratitude the notes become. Write them now. Start by thanking the recipients. You can include an apology for your delay, but don’t make it more than a line. It’s beside the point, really.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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