My sister lost her husband to cancer two years ago. A month following his death, she began writing me insulting and cruel letters.
The reasons for her anger are varied. One is that I was unable to travel 3,000 miles to see her during the six months he was ill and in treatment. Another is an older situation when she felt I was unfairly upset over a different family matter. She has accused me and my husband of “not caring” about her husband. Nothing could be further from the truth. We cared deeply and sent her small gifts, letters and messages during the terribly difficult time he was in treatment.
I was stunned to receive these letters, which have arrived at a rate of about one every four months. I replied to each one, which got me yet another letter in response, each belittling me. I stopped replying because it just seems futile.
She insists I should call her in order to “fix” everything. But I can’t bring myself to call her. I feel it will be more of the same. My other two sisters insist I should call her as well. They say she is “grieving” and is therefore entitled to write any kind of letters she chooses.
Is grief a time when it’s OK to insult and belittle a sister in a cruel manner?
From the Therapist: What stands out to me here is that you and your sister have something in common. She feels you were “unfairly upset” over a different family matter; you feel she’s unfairly upset over the way you tried to show support during her husband’s illness.
These ruptures are a natural part of relationships. We all disappoint the people we love, and we all imagine we wouldn’t be disappointed if the tables were turned. But repair isn’t arbitration: It’s putting oneself in someone else’s experience by viewing them as separate from us. We close the gap not by making each other feel the same way, but by reaching across the divide and saying, in essence: I care about your heart.
You can get there with your sister by examining the frame you’ve put around this current situation, because the words we use shape the conclusions we reach. You describe her letters as “insulting” and “cruel,” and you ask whether grief entitles someone to “belittle” a sibling. But is your sister making cruel statements (“You’re a horrible person, and I hate you!”), or is she telling you that she felt unsupported during what might have been the worst time in her life?
Feeling hurt or disappointed isn’t an insult; it’s an emotional experience. And expressing that experience — even if you disagree with it, even if it feels unfair, even if it overlooks your genuine efforts — isn’t inherently cruel.
It’s also possible that what began as an effort to express her pain turned into heated letters because you refused to acknowledge her feelings. This doesn’t justify cruelty, but make sure you’re not confusing her anguish with cruelty.
You feel attacked because you clearly cared about her husband and demonstrated that through letters, gifts and messages. But as often happens in the midst of a crisis, clear communication broke down.
Maybe she assumed that you, as her sister, would “just know” that she needed your physical presence and instead of asking, she kept hoping you’d show up. Or maybe she asked, but you weren’t able to be there for reasons that feel understandable to you. Either way, your absence during her husband’s illness seems to have landed as abandonment, regardless of your intentions.
When someone says, “I felt unsupported,” a common instinct is to defend, justify or withdraw — all of which make that person feel even more unseen. Your responses to her letters may have sounded less like empathy (“I understand that you wanted me there”) and more like rebuttal (“We cared, we loved him, we checked in, we sent things”), which could be why she keeps writing back with the same complaints. She’s not seeking an explanation; she’s seeking acknowledgment. You needed this. You didn’t get it. Full stop.
Acknowledging doesn’t mean agreeing. It means making room for her feelings without confessing to indifference. And since answering her pain with an attempt at exoneration hasn’t been working, you might try a different approach, something like:
“In re-reading our letters, I hear how much pain my absence caused, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there in the way you needed me. I love you so much. Let’s get on FaceTime and talk.”
I suggest a video call because letters can harden positions, while voices and faces can humanize them. Your task in this conversation won’t be to defend your intentions or settle the record; it will be to hear her disappointment without trying to make it disappear. She may never find your reasons for not going to see her and her dying husband reasonable. You may never find her expectations during that time warranted. But you can decide to come closer to her by offering an apology for causing her pain, or you can create a lasting rift by insisting she shouldn’t feel this way.
Which brings me back to what you have in common. What happens between you now isn’t so much about the past as it is about what you want to create together in the future. Your willingness to let her own her feelings might lead to her willingness to let you own yours about the other family matter — and that could lead to a new way of relating across differences that will have a positive impact on your relationship for the rest of your lives.
Her husband’s death is a reminder that we’re not here forever. How do you want to remember this moment? As the time when you told your sister you were sorry for not being there the way she needed, or when you continued to try to convince her you made a reasonable decision and she was being difficult? It’s at these inflection points that families either fracture or heal.
Time is fleeting. Don’t take too long to arrive at your answer.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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