I’m a woman in my early 50s and financially secure. I have worked hard for this. Long hours, limited “fun,” prioritizing savings — I am on my own for everything.
I am close with a cousin who is a decade older than me and can’t manage his money. He gambled away a six-figure inheritance, despite my (repeated) pleas years earlier to his parents and to him to protect his money from his own bad judgment by creating a trust.
After he lost his job, I negotiated a settlement for him and made him pay his back taxes out of the funds he received (in addition to paying an accountant to file three years of returns). He blew through the rest of the money. (In fairness, he is no longer gambling — just paying bills.) He has exhausted his unemployment, hasn’t paid his rent and is ignoring the information I send on programs that could help him afford rent and health insurance (which he doesn’t have). My family has rental housing some distance from his home — which at least he wouldn’t get kicked out of — but he has rejected the idea of moving there. I have clients who have offered him jobs in his field and he has declined.
I am out of ways to help him help himself. Could I pay his rent for the next year? Yes. Would it impact how I would like to live in my retirement? Yes. Supporting him long-term means I’ll have to work longer and take less-swanky vacations.
I’ve eaten PB&Js for 35 years in an effort to have a retirement where I can do what I want. Is it ethical for me to do that while my relative, whom I love but can’t fix, is facing a homeless shelter? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
There’s an old story about a man in a flooded town who, perched on his rooftop, successively waves away two rescue boats and a helicopter, insisting God will save him. He drowns, meets God and asks why he wasn’t saved. God’s reply: “I sent you two boats and a helicopter.” You can take this to be a fable about providence, but in secular terms, it’s also about the limits of rescue.
What impresses me is how much you’ve done for this man. You negotiated a settlement, hired an accountant, filed years of back taxes, sent program information for rent and health insurance, offered family housing he wouldn’t be evicted from and connected him to job opportunities in his field. You’ve worked hard to stabilize his life. But, as the coaches say, you can’t want it for him more than he wants it for himself.
Clearly this is someone you care for deeply. Clearly, too, this is someone who has self-destructive tendencies he ought to deal with. You might responsibly condition any further assistance on his getting counseling of some sort (assuming he isn’t already). But paying his rent for a year doesn’t solve anything if he won’t work, won’t move, won’t apply for assistance. It only puts off the reckoning for 12 months, with less runway for your own life.
Let me suggest, further, that an ethical view should be attentive to your own welfare, not just everyone else’s. A course of action that makes a person miserable isn’t automatically acceptable because that person is you. Working longer, shrinking your own future — these are harms that, ethically speaking, you should take into account.
You can’t be obligated, as an individual, to subsidize someone’s life indefinitely when he won’t do what’s needed to make that subsidy unnecessary. You sent him two boats and a helicopter. It was up to your cousin to step onboard.
Readers Respond
The previous letter was from a reader who was concerned that his neighbors had begun operating an auto repair shop in their driveway. He wrote:
“About a year ago, a very nice family moved into the rental home next door. … About six months ago, the father’s auto-shop location apparently became unavailable. He and his mechanics now work on cars in their yard and driveway. … This ‘shade tree’ business practice is illegal in our city, and the number of cars and the manner in which they are parked violates city codes. We and our neighbors worry it’s driving down the property value of adjacent homes, and we plan to sell within a few years. I’m uncomfortable raising this with the family because I doubt they can do much without losing income. … I’m also reluctant to report because the family is from Venezuela. (They mentioned having green cards, though I never asked.) I’m afraid that even a code violation could draw attention from ICE, which has an aggressive, unpleasant presence in my city. Thoughts? — Name Withheld”
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
“As your letter illustrates, when people are alienated from the government in one domain, the alienation readily spills over into others. And so you’re understandably pulled in two directions here. … You say that you don’t want to raise the issue with this family and harsh the neighborly vibe you enjoy. But what would really be unneighborly is failing to alert them. As things stand, anyone on your block could blow the whistle — either to the city (as a code violation) or to the landlord/property manager (as a lease violation). … A neighborly move might be to approach the family with someone from another household on the block. The aim would be to make sure they grasp that the situation leaves them vulnerable to complaints and to consequences they may not anticipate. Let them know that you and others appreciate their presence — but not all those vehicles under repair.”
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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The letter writer absolutely has a duty to talk privately with their neighbor and share their fears and concerns in an honest way. Perhaps the family is afraid to search for a new garage. As a friend, the letter writer and others could help the neighbors find an adequate, affordable garage. There are people out in the community who want to support immigrants, and word of mouth could be very helpful here. I think going the extra mile to help this family could bring the community closer. — Leslie
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I think the best course of action would be to inform the landlord of this code violation, which is most likely in conflict with your neighbors’ lease. In the discussion, you could also mention how much you like these neighbors as a way to encourage the landlord to keep them as tenants as long as they stop using the premises as a repair shop. He can certainly resolve the problem without evicting them or reporting them to the authorities. — Phil
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It is the letter writer’s civic responsibility to report this to the authorities. The risk to his family and others and the environment is too great to let sympathy for their plight dismiss the consequences. Your name will not be revealed, and you are acting as a good citizen. — Laura
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The letter writer seems more concerned about optics than about the welfare of someone who’s trying to make a living. Your neighbors would probably prefer to have a full-service repair shop than to be working in their driveway, and if they’re able to earn enough money, it’s very likely they’ll be able to find a better location at some point. If the situation really bothers you, ask if they can put up some kind of tent to obscure the view. Have some grace, please. I would love to have a mechanic so close to home. — Sue
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The letter writer should notify code enforcement immediately but anonymously. They will send out an inspector who will see what’s going on and take it from there. Your neighbor will be given some time to relocate. The property is an eyesore that diminishes the value of your home, as well as many others on the street. This is not a time to be timid; you must put your own interests first in this matter. (Take it from this retired Realtor.) — Larry
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