No one wants to admit they’re the problem when it comes to dating and heartbreak. However, self-awareness is necessary for growth and healing.
It isn’t about shaming yourself or placing all the blame on your shoulders. Rather, it’s noticing your part in your own suffering so you can make changes and find fulfillment.
Wondering whether you’re the problem in your own love life? Here are five signs and patterns to look out for.
1. You Choose the Same Type of Partner
If you’re attracted to the same kind of person (e.g., avoidant, noncommital, disengaged), you might be choosing the wrong partners for yourself. Of course, that’s not to victim-blame—sometimes, we really do put our trust in the wrong people without knowing better. Early in relationships, people tend to present a facade or be on their best behavior. The eventual betrayal or poor treatment is on them, not you.
But if you notice you’re drawn to people you know can’t give you what you want and need, it’s time to take responsibility for your own healing.
“We’re often attracted to what feels familiar, even when familiar means painful,” says Emily Conway, relationship expert and CEO of Dragon Toys, a brand focused on intimacy and connection. “The brain mistakes that recognition for chemistry, but you’re just recreating old dynamics and hoping for a different outcome.”
2. You’re Running Into the Same Relationship Issues
Similar to choosing the same type of partner, you might also be facing the same dating issues. For example, I had to take a long, hard look in the mirror when I realized I was constantly overgiving and losing myself in relationships.
Sure, perhaps some of the people I dated weren’t as present or supportive as they could have been, but it wasn’t their fault that I gave too much, lost touch with myself, and ended up resenting them for it. That was entirely on me—and something I had to work through myself.
“If everyone you date has the same flaw, ask yourself what you’re doing to attract or enable that behaviour,” Conway advises.
3. You’re Too Afraid to Express Your Needs
Many of us feel we’re “too much” for expressing a basic need or a reasonable boundary. For quite some time, I found myself scouring sites like Reddit or asking my friends for their opinion before ever actually communicating with a partner about my feelings. Why? Because I didn’t trust or validate my own needs. This type of behavior only creates a disconnect and keeps you with incompatible partners.
“Following these invisible scripts creates distance,” Conway explains. “You end up performing a version of yourself rather than showing up authentically, which makes a deeper connection nearly impossible.”
4. You Rarely Take Emotional Initiative
Has the internet convinced you to “play it cool” and “never text first”? Throw those ideas out the window.
“This pattern frequently stems from fear of rejection or appearing needy,” says Conway. “But relationships require mutual vulnerability. You’re preventing real intimacy from forming when you consistently wait for the other person to lead.”
5. You Shut Down During Conflict
No one enjoys conflict, but it’s a normal part of even the healthiest relationship. If you view simple disagreements or arguments as relationship-ending events, then it’s no wonder nothing lasts. You might just be holding your relationships to impossible standards.
“How you handle conflict is the problem,” Conway says. “When you treat disagreements as relationship death sentences, you miss the chance to understand each other better and grow together.”
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should stay in an unhealthy or unfulfilling dynamic, but there’s a difference between frequent, toxic fights and respectful, constructive conversations. If you shut down during such discussions, that’s a good sign to turn inward and heal that conflict-avoidant part of yourself.
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