We all know this person…the one who’s constantly dishing out offensive, rude comments masked as “brutal honesty.” The “blunt” friend who really just gets off on putting you down.
As someone who values both radical honesty and empathy, I believe there’s a more considerate way to go about delivering harsh truths. I’m not saying you should filter your thoughts and feelings, dancing around the point while tossing hints. But I do think you can be completely honest without being hurtful.
Many people are bringing “brutal honesty” into the dating scene, treating it like the hot new dating trend. But I believe this approach can do more harm than good.
What Even Is Brutal Honesty?
Brutal honesty means bluntly telling the unfiltered truth—no sugar-coating—without considering how it might impact the recipient. While it might seem like a positive approach, there’s typically a kinder, more considerate way to deliver an unpleasant truth.
When someone is being brutally honest, they often fail to consider the other person’s feelings. Empathy feels nonexistent, which can cause the other person to get defensive or shut down.
Of course, there’s a time and place for brutal honesty. Many use it when they’re at their wits’ end with someone’s poor behavior. Others, however, believe in the “tough love” approach, which can be effective in some cases. And then you have those people who claim they’re “blunt” when really they’re just being straight-up assholes.
Maybe Try Being Kind to People You’re Hoping to Kiss
When someone is honest in the dating scene, it certainly weeds out incompatible partners. Openly sharing your thoughts and feelings with the person you’re dating is a positive practice.
However, brutal honesty can be quite damaging to an intimate connection.
I was raised in an Italian household, so I’m pretty immune to harshness. However, I find brutal honesty to be a bit…well, unnecessarily brutal. While it’s important to share the cold, hard truth sometimes, it can usually be delivered with a little (or a lot) more care.
As Jonice Webb, Ph.D., puts it in her Psychology Today article, “When someone declares themselves ‘brutally honest,’ they get an easy out. By adding the word ‘honest’ after ‘brutal,’ they are informing you that they are about to hurt you, but that you should not experience any hurt because they’re just being honest. That is a twist that’s not only confusing and unfair, but it’s also likely to make you feel that you’re wrong for experiencing the hurt.”
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share the truth with your partner. It just means doing so with a little more tact. Or, as Webb calls it, “truth with compassion.”
“Truth with compassion involves expressing your truth with the intention of promoting awareness rather than hurt,” she wrote in her article. “When a message is perceived as hurtful, the person you’re attempting to communicate with is more likely to shut down or go on the defensive.”
So, in other words, brutal honesty discourages communication while truth with compassion encourages it. And as we all know, communication is everything when it comes to dating.
Next time you find yourself wanting to be “brutally honest” with the person you’re dating, consider its impact first. Is there a kinder way to explain yourself, your thoughts, and your observations? Are you really being brutally honest, or are you just being a jerk?
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