My husband and I bought a recreational property that we use several weeks a year. We love hosting friends at our cabin! The issue: We are struggling with cost-splitting expectations. We provide accommodations to our guests, and we assume that they will gladly cover all other expenses, such as groceries. But we find ourselves in an awkward position when guests expect us to split costs with them equally. We are not sure how to account for the use of our cabin in these calculations — and bringing it up after the fact feels awkward. Still, staying silent makes us resentful. What is the price of hospitality?
HOST
The best way to avoid misunderstandings about the terms of an invitation is to be clear about them up front. And the more unusual the terms, the more important it is to be direct. No host has ever asked me to pay for all the food and drink during my visit, as you and your husband envision. And I have never expected that from any houseguest. Your own experience belies your assumption that guests will “gladly” cover these costs. They don’t!
Among friends, hospitality is typically a gift — not an item on a spreadsheet. But in essence, you and your husband want guests to cover your living expenses in exchange for letting them sleep in your cabin. That is more transactional than my experience with friends. I understand that you have probably incurred substantial costs to buy (and keep) a second home. But passing them on to guests is more akin to an Airbnb arrangement than a weekend with friends.
Now, in fairness to you and your husband, you may make the invitations you like. But your experience suggests that you should be clearer about them: “We’d love to have you visit us at the cabin. We’ll provide the lodgings, and you buy the food and drink. How does that sound?” No room for misunderstanding that!
A Fine Line Between Parenting and Aunting
My sister’s 14-year-old daughter has always been a difficult child. But recently, I have become concerned that she has mental health challenges, including anxiety, smartphone addiction and possibly more serious issues. I am a pediatric health care provider, and I believe my niece should be in therapy immediately. My sister recognizes her daughter’s challenges, but she chalks them up to ordinary teenage struggles. I want to talk to my sister, but I’m afraid of making her feel defensive or judged — and damaging our relationship. Advice?
SISTER
As a health care provider, you know better than I do that your niece is not your patient and that there are perils in acting as if she were. I also noticed that your sister has not asked for your help. Together, these factors put you in a tough spot.
I think your best chance to be helpful here is as a loving sister — not as a medical expert. Avoid pathologizing your niece’s behavior or acting as if you know more about her than your sister does. For the moment, defer to her assessment that your niece’s behavior is consistent with teenage struggles. Tell her how helpful her pediatrician can be in sorting them out. This is true — and unlikely to upset her. Hopefully, the pediatrician will refer her to a therapist. If not, come back to me, and we’ll try again.
When the Conversation Turns Members-Only
Several of my friends belong to a country club. When we are together, their conversation often turns to club events and members whom I don’t know. I find this gauche because I can’t participate in conversations. What can I say to hint that their behavior is rude? Pointed silence has not worked.
FRIEND
Feeling excluded hurts. Everyone knows that. So, I would invite you to shift tactics with your friends: Move away from stony silence and grievance about their behavior and get to the heart of things. Tell your friends that it hurts your feelings when they talk about a club you don’t belong to and people you don’t know. You feel left out. In my experience, being vulnerable with friends takes more courage than ticking off complaints — but often yields much better results.
This Best Man Can Style Herself, Thank You
I am a woman, and my best friend asked me to be his “best man” at his wedding. I can’t wait to wear my first suit! The issue: The bridal couple is lumping me in with the bridesmaids for hair and makeup (cost: $500 per bridesmaid). But I don’t wear makeup, and I don’t want to have my hair styled for $500. The other groomsmen bear no cost for hair and makeup. Am I out of line for wanting to be treated like them?
BEST WOMAN
Not at all! But be sensitive to the gendered wrinkle here and to the temporary mania that sometimes overtakes bridal couples. (“But the pictures!”) Tell your best friend that you want to be treated like the other groomsmen: You don’t wear makeup, you will style your own hair, and you want to avoid the $500 charge. Ask him if that’s an issue. Hopefully, it won’t be. If it is, decide whether you are willing to bear this unfair tax because you are a woman or need to withdraw from the bridal party.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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