A few days ago, when loading YouTube to find an entertaining video to accompany my morning coffee, I stumbled upon my favorite YouTuber (Kalyn Nicholson)’s coffee talk. Her most recent episode at the time was about finding the ability to be soft in an otherwise hardened world.
As someone who deeply admires Kayln, specifically for her gentle strength and quiet resilience, I was comforted by her vulnerable admissions. In her video, titled “Softness Is Not Weakness,” she speaks about her tendency to compare herself to other creators who have a “natural air of coolness.”
“I can get insecure sometimes [about] my softness, my heart on my sleeve,” she says. “Emotions can be seen as ‘too much,’ and softness can be seen as ‘weak.’”
This immediately got me thinking…Why, exactly, is softness so frowned upon? Why does society often deem it “weak” to outwardly express our grief? Why are we praised for our apathy and oftentimes blamed for our empathy—our willingness to consider others or offer grace?
Perhaps “hardness” is a form of survival instinct or protective armor, given the world we live in. (And in many instances, it’s absolutely necessary.) Or perhaps it’s just a personal preference or an empowering facade. Whatever the case, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with having a tough exterior (or even interior).
But I also don’t believe hardness = strength or softness = weakness. Sometimes, the bravest, most powerful remain open and tender.
Here are three ways to soften in a cruel world.
1. Allow Yourself to Feel Your Grief
Grief is a natural part of being human. Unless we somehow completely shut off our ability to feel, well, anything, we are bound to experience grief at some point in our lives. Sure, some people might be more sensitive to changes, losses, or traumas than others; but so long as we are human, we will continue to be exposed to pain and suffering—just as we are to joy and fulfillment.
Rather than hiding your grief, distracting yourself from it, or pushing it so far down that you can no longer hear its screams, what would happen if you actually allowed yourself to feel it? There lies true strength: processing your emotions so they do not harden you.
2. Don’t Avoid Vulnerability
Much like with our grief, many of us also try to avoid vulnerability. We shy away from expressing emotions, whether it be excitement, love, disappointment, or even insecurity. We view certain emotions as “cringy” and others as “shameful,” stripping ourselves of the very essence of our humanity.
In reality, our vulnerabilities are the pathway to intimacy. Perhaps that’s what we’re truly avoiding—or truly afraid of. Ironically enough, our connections make us even more vulnerable. And so, we opt out of feeling anything at all.
Instead of hardening your heart, be honest about your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs—first with yourself, then with those closest to you. As author Brené Brown says, “Your vulnerability is your greatest strength.” Trust that you are resilient enough to handle the risks of emotional exposure.
3. Challenge How You View Strength
We as a society have been conditioned to believe that strength is harsh, aggressive, and emotionally detached. However, that sentiment couldn’t be further from the truth.
Consider how you view power and resilience. Do you believe it must look a certain way (e.g., “masculine,” bold, apathetic, closed off)? If so, why? Where did you first learn this?
Then, begin to explore other forms of strength. For example, a nurturing wife caring for her terminally ill husband while acknowledging her own grief and fear of loss. A man confiding in his friends post-breakup, unashamed to shed tears and admit his own part in the relationship’s downfall. A woman candidly expressing her hurt and anger to her partner, rather than pretending not to care.
These are all examples of soft strength—of individuals opening themselves up to connection while admitting to their own humanness.
There is a time and place for both softness and toughness, but I don’t define them as antonyms. In fact, I believe they work best in tandem.
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