On TikTok, there’s no shortage of tips for identifying a narcissist.
Look for “passive aggression,” one influencer suggested.
A narcissist is someone who “creates emotional dependency,” another said.
Being “extremely charming and charismatic — but kind of dead in the eyes,” one woman explained as she put on her makeup.
Decades ago, the term narcissism was rarely used outside of a clinical setting or a research study. Today, however, it has become a “catchall label for a broad range of disliked or frustrating behaviors,” said Virgil Zeigler-Hill, a professor of psychology at Oakland University in Rochester, Mich.
Narcissism, or the drive to feel special and unique, is a personality trait that exists on a continuum. Everyone has some degree of it; those who fall higher on the spectrum are typically egotistic and vain, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have narcissistic personality disorder, or N.P.D.
There are specific criteria for diagnosing someone with N.P.D. Some of these include an unshakable need for admiration, a heightened sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy toward others. Those characteristics don’t come and go — they are persistent and typically lead to distress or interfere with relationships, work or other parts of life.
How well do you understand narcissism? See if you recognize any of the common myths below.
MYTH: The most harmful narcissists have a disorder.
Those who don’t meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder can still inflict pain on others and themselves. N.P.D. is rare: It is estimated to affect about 1 or 2 percent of U.S. adults.
But you don’t need a diagnosis to be considered a narcissist: Mental health professionals describe narcissists as people who exhibit higher-than-average narcissistic behavior or traits.
These can include low empathy, entitlement, selfishness, manipulation, deceit, blame shifting and a drive to seek admiration, status and validation, said Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and the author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People.”
Narcissists are especially harmful when they become vindictive or callous, or when they take advantage of others’ vulnerabilities. They also have great difficulty managing their emotions, Dr. Durvasula said.
Being a narcissist “can often mean a life of feeling aggrieved, victimized, wronged, suspicious, disconnected from others — not a nice way to live,” she added.
MYTH: Narcissists are all the same.
Over the years, researchers have identified several different types of narcissists.
Agentic narcissism is what most people think of when they imagine a narcissist. These individuals are confident, assertive, entitled and self-important, and they’re focused on status, power and success.
Neurotic narcissism is characterized by a constant need for validation and a sensitivity to criticism and rejection. These people often experience significant shame, anxiety, emotional instability, insecurity and self-doubt.
Antagonistic narcissism looks competitive, exploitative and hostile. These people are willing to put others down to feel superior. They also lack empathy.
People are not limited to expressing only one form of narcissism. Instead, individuals can show any combination of the three narcissistic traits — someone might be high on two traits but low on the third, or display other mixed profiles.
MYTH: All narcissistic people lack empathy.
People who are narcissistic are capable of empathy, but it’s mainly self-serving. Narcissists might be empathetic when they need something, Dr. Durvasula said.
Alternatively, she added, they may also express empathy when they want to foster the perception of being empathetic. In other cases, they may understand the need for empathy but simply don’t care to summon up a compassionate response.
“While none of these are deeply felt empathy or compassionate empathy, they look and taste like empathy — sort of like Splenda and sugar,” Dr. Durvasula said, adding that this “often confuses people who have experiences with a narcissistic person that feel like empathy but disappear as soon as the narcissistic person gets what they need.”
MYTH: Narcissists don’t realize they are narcissists.
Narcissists know that they are narcissistic. Studies have shown that they have insight into the negative aspects of their personality. .
They know that they come across as arrogant, said Mitja Back, a professor of psychology at the University of Münster and an expert in research on narcissism. But to them, he added, that’s not a problem.
In one study, researchers asked participants to what extent they agreed with this statement: “I am a narcissist.” Then they were asked to fill out the 40-item Narcissistic Personality Inventory, one of the most widely used assessments of narcissism. Those who labeled themselves as narcissists also scored highly on the test.
MYTH: A narcissist will never change.
Narcissism is not a static trait. In fact, it tends to decrease slightly over the course of adulthood, said Ulrich Orth, a professor of developmental psychology at the University of Bern in Switzerland. This may be, in part, because empathy has been shown to increase as we grow older.
There is also research to suggest that people can reduce their narcissistic tendencies when they are encouraged to care more about others or reflect on their values.
If narcissists truly want to change, they can get help from a therapist.
Those with agentic or antagonistic narcissistic tendencies often resist seeking help, in part because they do not perceive themselves as needing it, or they may view treatment as an admission of weakness, Dr. Zeigler-Hill said.
“In contrast, individuals high in neurotic narcissism are more likely to seek treatment, typically for distress related to anxiety, depression and emotional instability,” he added.
MYTH: Narcissists did not receive enough love or appreciation from their parents during childhood.
When it comes to parenting, empirical evidence suggests the opposite. The tendency for a parent to view a child as more special and deserving than other children has been linked to the development of narcissistic personality traits at an early age, Dr. Orth said.
But parental influence may be mainly driven by genetics, Dr. Back said. In fact, research shows that the child of a narcissist is more likely to score highly in that trait.
Researchers theorize that other factors, like friendships, romantic relationships and experiences at school and in the workplace may play an even more important role than parenting in developing narcissistic traits.
MYTH: Narcissists are only out for themselves.
Narcissistic people can behave in cooperative and helpful ways, like volunteering or donating to charity.
“The difference is why and how they do it,” said Sara Konrath, the director of the Interdisciplinary Program on Empathy and Altruism Research at Indiana University.
Their motivation is not purely altruistic, research shows. They are more interested in impressing others and receiving some sort of benefit or reward. And they are more likely to help publicly rather than anonymously, to ensure their efforts are visible.
MYTH: Narcissistic people are usually successful.
Narcissism alone does not drive success, but it can offer advantages.
Someone with a healthy dose of narcissism tends to possess “confidence, assertiveness and a strong motivation for leadership,” Dr. Zeigler-Hill said, and this often contributes to personal and professional success.
But narcissists, just like everyone else, have other characteristics, too. If they have poor social skills or they’re disorganized, Dr. Back said, this can be a barrier to accomplishment. Their success also hinges on the expectations of those around them.
Because narcissistic leaders tend to be decisive and aggressive and they tend to crave validation, they “can be very helpful when it’s important to change things in a very short amount of time,” Dr. Back said, adding that they are less helpful “if it’s more important to secure things and keep things going like they are.”
MYTH: Narcissists think highly of themselves.
Narcissism is not synonymous with self-worth. Research reveals that some narcissists actually have fragile self-esteem.
“For example, a person with a high level of neurotic narcissism might feel confident only when others are complimenting their looks or achievements, but quickly become anxious or resentful when that validation fades, leaving their self-esteem in constant flux,” Dr. Zeigler-Hill said.
But even those with grandiose tendencies often harbor overly positive self-perceptions that depend on constant external validation, he added.
MYTH: Narcissistic people feel no remorse.
Narcissistic people do know when they’ve done something “bad,” but that doesn’t stop them from doing it.
“Any guilt quickly converts to shame and then blame shifting: ‘Yeah, OK, so I cheated on you — but what did you expect? You never pay any attention to me,’” Dr. Durvasula said. “Instead of being vulnerable and accountable, narcissistic people attack when they are caught.”
If you feel as though someone in your life is gaslighting, lying and manipulating, and you aren’t sure if this person is narcissistic, you may want to pick a calmer moment to try talking to them about your feelings. Dr. Durvasula calls this “going into the tiger’s cage.”
If they show genuine accountability, “then there is the possibility for repair and growth,” she added.
If your attempt to address the issue is met with more blame shifting and anger, however, this person is more likely a narcissistic personality.
“You may want to not go back into that cage,” Dr. Durvasula said.
Christina Caron is a Times reporter covering mental health.
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