Welcome to Current Events Conversation, where each week we round up some of our favorite responses to one of our student writing prompts.
Recently, we asked teenagers: Do you ever feel pressure to be perfect?
The question was inspired by the guest essay “The Quest for Perfection Is Stunting Our Society” by Jonathan Biss. As a classical concert pianist, Mr. Biss is trained not to make mistakes, but he argues that trying to achieve flawlessness stifles creativity and makes us live smaller lives. “You cannot learn or grow while trying to appear as if you have everything figured out,” he writes.
His essay struck a chord with students. Over 200 of them responded, describing how the expectation to be perfect follows them into the classroom, onto the athletic field and through their social media feeds. They shared how that pressure has weighed on them — and how they learned to let go of it.
Thank you to those who joined the conversation this week, including students from Heritage High School in Vancouver, Wash.; Normal, Ill.; and Ellisville.
Please note: Comments have been edited and condensed.
For many, the pressure to be perfect is most intense in the classroom.
As a senior in high school, the pressure to be perfect in school is higher than ever. Being a senior, it feels like my entire future depends on the grades I am getting. I notice not only in myself, but in my friends as well, that the pressure of school has many negative effects on our daily lives. After a long day of school, students have to go home and put hours of their time into homework and studying in order to be successful. I think the pressure of getting perfect grades takes away from students’ abilities to actually learn in school. Instead of absorbing and learning materials, students only learn the material to do good on a test or a quiz and then they forget it.
— Madalyn, Norwood High School, Norwood, MA
I personally feel pressure to be perfect in academics, especially when it comes to my grades. Getting good grades matters to me, but that pressure can get overwhelming and affect me mentally when I focus too much on being perfect. I start to feel stressed and lose track of other important things in my life.
— Suhailah, Heritage High School, Vancouver, WA
I feel pressure to be perfect in school. Throughout my entire life I’ve been seen as a smart kid, so it’s become an expectation that I get good grades and do very well. The pressure of this expectation comes from peers and parents. It’s not like they themselves are pressuring me to get perfect grades, but since I usually do well it seems to have become an expectation, and that expectation itself is what pressures me to be as close to perfect as I can be.
You often get told your whole future depends on the grades you get in high school. They determine whether you get into a college you really like or don’t. Then, when you get to college, you have the stress of finding a job that will pay well and set you up for the rest of your life. I feel like life is a constant loop of stress and pressure to do better.
Student athletes described how the fear of making mistakes takes the joy out of the game.
I feel pressure from my coaches, teammates, parents, and myself when I play volleyball. When I’m on the court and the score is close, I feel like I have to perform even better. I feel pressure to be perfect and not make mistakes, and that makes me scared to mess up. When mistakes lead to punishment, it adds even more pressure.
Being a competitive dancer for 10 years, I found that I constantly strived to dance or even compare to the older girls that my studio, or the girls on my school dance team, because I thought they were better than me, or even “perfect.” But as I am soon to be a senior I now ask myself, am I the dancer I wanted to be, or the dancer I was told to want to be? Dance is an expressive art that requires me to feel rhythms and emotions, while telling a story. Dance is a creative outlet, not a skill one must master. Don’t get me wrong, learning skills that are used in modern styles of dance is fun, but dance and more specifically dance teams have become more “cookie cutter” by the year. Dance has driven me to becoming a perfectionist, and in doing so, I often don’t stop trying until it’s perfect. In the process, however, I have gotten hurt, and on many occasions, disappointed myself. I was so focused on getting the perfect score, that dance started becoming less fun and more like a job.
In my own personal experience as a high school football player, I feel as if every mistake I make on the field is hurting my team and killing my future dreams of playing college football. This makes football season very difficult for me and often lessens my passion for the game and can negatively affect how well I play. Another example of me trying to reach perfection is playing through injury, the beginning of my sophomore season I suffered a gruesome knee injury, I felt like I had let my team down. I didn’t want to be looked down upon as the young, injured player who couldn’t make an impact in the game. So I braced it up, took medicine and preserved through adversity for the rest of the season. In the end, I had to get surgery and walked with crutches for three months, just because I wanted to be perfect.
Others discussed the difficulty of living up to the standards set by siblings or parents.
The term “perfect” in my parents’ eyes is defined as my older sister. I feel pressure to be “perfect” to match or exceed my parents’ expectations and standards. As the younger sister, there was always a sense of comparison and pressure to fill the gaping holes of her shoes in academics, sports, or as a person.
— Josephine, Fountain Valley High School, CA
As the oldest of four, I consider myself to be the one to “set the bar” for my siblings, not only in school but in life in general. However, balancing that with my everyday life can be tough sometimes. I’m a multisport athlete as well, so being the person to look up to by my younger family members is a privilege, but also can be a difficult task because after all I am a boy in high school that has many mistakes to learn from in the future as well.
Also, in school, my parents want me to get straight As. I try my hardest to get to those high expectation, and I get some B+, and my parents look at me like I failed the class, and they talk about bringing up my grade to an A, but also don’t bring up that I did a good job getting a B+.
Yes, I do feel pressure to be perfect especially within my Egyptian community. There’s a strong expectation to get into a good college and become someone “successful,” like a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. On top of that, I’m expected to be a good, kind person who helps out in the community, does well in school, and always maintains a good composure. It can feel like I have to excel in everything all at once, without ever showing stress or weakness.
Some pointed out that social media creates a “curated” reality that is impossible to match.
I’ve seen pressure to be perfect show up a lot on social media. People feel like they always have to make the perfect post with the most likes, where everything looks perfect from their hair to their outfit, to the way their room looks. If a post doesn’t get as much likes or attention as someone else’s does, then it makes people not feel good about themselves and that they are not enough. That pressure can lead to stress, comparison, and over time, instead of enjoying life and living in the moment, people focus more on how they appear online than who they actually are.
I think many teenagers, including myself, are constantly striving to achieve this image of perfection that is honestly unattainable. Especially with social media, we are constantly surrounded by things we are insecure about or “perfect features” others may have that we see flawed in ourselves. Comparing yourself to others online is definitely not something that you can easily avoid, and it begins to become part of our daily lives.
— Zoey, Glenbard West High School
In my opinion, Mr. Biss was incredibly accurate in his perception of perfection. His statement regarding social media personally resonated with me, as being a part of Generation Z or anything younger means exposure to online culture from a young age. The most popular accounts on any social media application will always be the most heavily produced and curated to the point of flawlessness. This is important for everyone to remember, as only the best parts of somebody’s life — captured with a proper camera and quality lighting — are not a true representation of the human experience.
Finally, students reflected on why letting go of perfectionism is necessary for growth and creativity.
I have completely given up on trying to be perfect because I have convinced myself I already am perfect. I started to realize that perfection isn’t really possible a few years ago and whatever I can do and choose to do is just about as perfect as things can be. There’s also so much that’s just simply out of your control that trying to be perfect will never work out. I will always advise people to just try their best and your best is good enough.
— Daniel, Norwood High School, Norwood MA
As a musician, doubt and fear are one of my biggest barriers. Shaky fingers and sweaty palms always find their way into performances. However, when I overcome the fear and accept the imperfections, I find that that is when my musicality truly comes out.
I feel pressure to be the perfect friend. I tried to be the nicest, the one everyone can count on, the advice giver, the listener, but it never seems to stick. I’ve been carrying the weight of my friends, but I know I don’t have to be everything for everyone. I realize that if I stop trying to be the perfect friend, I find the relationships in my life that are worth being connected to. Relationships should brighten your flame, not dim it.
While I care about my grades and make sure to put in effort during my classes, I have stopped striving for 100%s. I find it very beneficial to learn that a bad grade does not define you as a student or person. Being a “perfect” student has some benefits, but realizing that perfection is so difficult to achieve makes your experience as a student more enjoyable.
— Reagan, Norwood High School, Norwood, MA
We have been taught by teachers, parents, and coaches to strive for perfection at all costs. This causes all expressions of creativity to die. If we were taught to think and do things the same exact way as everyone else, what would the world look like? We see it in movies and books where society strives for perfection so much that everyone becomes the same dull personality. The world thrives off our human mess-ups.
It is only through failure that you really learn anything. Failure is part of life. It’s what makes us human. If you look like you have the rest of your life planned out, you’ll never take risks or go out of your comfort zone. You lose the adventure and spontaneity that makes life interesting and worth living.
— Lena, Masterman School, Philadelphia, PA
My dad told me once that fear stops more dreams from coming true than anything. Worries of criticism, that it’s too late, or the standard of perfection stop action on something that could be wonderful. The goal should be to learn and grow, but instead it’s to fit in with trends or be indifferent. But creativity creates life and love, and art museums and inventions, and movies and books. And imperfect is beautiful. It is the messiness of life where we find ourselves whole again.
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The post What Teenagers Are Saying About the Pressure to Be Perfect appeared first on New York Times.
