According to a new Hily Dating App survey, people are ready to dive back into the dating scene in the new year. But what, exactly, are their intentions?
If you’ve been blessed enough to be single in today’s world, you likely already know that many daters aren’t actually seeking relationships. In fact, some of them use dating app matches for attention, happy to lead them on without considering the other person’s wants, needs, or feelings.
So how do you spot these selfish daters? Sabrina Romanoff, relationship expert at Hily Dating App and Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, shared five signs that someone is flirting to fuel their ego—not to build a genuine connection.
1. They’re Inconsistent
Look, I get it: flirting can be lighthearted and fun. It doesn’t need to lead anywhere serious. However, if you’re dealing with someone with erratic communication, you’ll want to be on high alert.
“You’ll notice this pattern when they show up more frequently during specific times instead of being consistently interested and putting effort into the relationship,” says Romanoff. “For example, they may text you for four hours straight on Monday night, and then you don’t hear from them again until Friday; or they may only text late at night when they’re more likely to be lonely or bored and seeking extra attention.”
If you’re anything like I was in my 20s, you might entertain these types of daters for the heck of it, only to realize you’re actually catching feelings…and setting yourself up for heartbreak. In such cases, if you choose to engage with this type of behavior, ensure that you at least manage your expectations.
“Reaching out during these irregular periods is more indicative of their need for attention rather than genuine interest,” Romanoff explains. “Always pay attention to their consistency instead of big sparks of connection.”
2. They Keep Conversations and Plans Vague
If someone is only flirting for attention, they likely won’t be committing to an actual date any time soon. In fact, these types of daters are usually happy to keep you in their back pocket for the next time they’re bored or lonely.
“When someone is driven by their ego, the last thing they want to do is actually make a plan they have to follow through on,” Romanoff points out. “That starts the clock on investing real resources they have to contribute to the relationship, such as time, money, and emotional energy. Someone who is driven by their ego loves to maintain ambiguous plans, conversations, and relationships.”
As TikTok and dating experts call them, they’re essentially “breadcrumbers” who give you just enough to keep you hooked, but not nearly enough for something sustainable.
“They tend to keep people interested by dangling a carrot in front of them (e.g., someday we’ll go to this fancy restaurant, vacation, or concert),” Romanoff explains. “It’s essential to pay attention to how their promises line up with their actions, so you’re not always waiting in suspense.”
3. They Withdraw When Apart
We’ve all experienced this confusing and infuriating dating saga: the person seems head-over-heels for you while face-to-face, highly engaged in conversation and saying all the right lines. But as soon as you’re apart, it’s like you don’t even exist to them. The switchup can be jarring.
“This is one of the harder signs to identify because the connection can feel so strong when you’re together, and then they seemingly disappear when apart,” Romanoff says. “People tend to rationalize this inconsistency to maintain the relationship by telling themselves they’re just busy or aren’t a big texter.”
However, it’s usually quite simpler (and far more frustrating) than that: the person’s just flirting for ego or selfish wants, not for an actual connection.
4. Your Convos Revolve Around Them
Someone genuinely interested in you will want to learn more about you, your world, and your emotions. They’ll ask questions about your day-to-day routine, check in with thoughtful messages, and take an interest in your passions.
If all of your conversations revolve around the other person, odds are they’re not actually looking for a partner—just someone to boost their ego.
“These people deeply enjoy being admired. Often, dates with them will feel like they are on stage performing, and your role is to be the listener,” says Romanoff. “They often attract people who struggle to take up space and are good listeners.”
5. They Rush Emotional and/or Physical Intimacy
Someone who overshares too soon or is pushy in the bedroom likely isn’t in it for the right reasons.
“These people tend to rely on love-bombing tactics. Using flattery, creating a false sense of emotional intimacy by inappropriately disclosing intense personal experiences, and rushing physical intimacy all make people feel strongly connected in a short period of time,” says Romanoff. “These tactics serve as hits to their emotional validation, and often, once they feel satiated, they disappear.”
Want a relationship that will last? Opt for the slow-burn dynamics. Trust me: they’re worth the wait.
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