I’m in my 60s and maintain a memorial page for my father on a well-known grave-locator site. Last week I discovered that someone linked him to a woman listed as his first wife and to a recently deceased man listed as their son. I assumed that these were errors, but a quick search on a genealogy site confirmed the marriage and the divorce in the early 1950s, with supporting documents.
There was never a word about any of this in my family. I’m left wondering whether my half brother ever tried to contact my father, why he kept our surname after his mother remarried and what he was told about his father. I’ve reached out to his stepsister (whose name I found in his obituary), though I don’t know if she’ll respond.
My immediate issue is whether to take down the memorial page. There are four adult grandchildren in our family, and their warm memories of their grandfather would be permanently altered if they learned about this. They may discover it someday, but I don’t have to make that easier. I also don’t know whether my octogenarian mother is aware of any of this. If she isn’t, learning about it would devastate her — perhaps as much as learning that I know or that this information is now publicly available. I’m sure it would kill my younger sister if I told her what I found.
My wife points out that if our children later discover this on their own, their first question will be whether I knew. Unless I learn more, the honest answer would be that I found out more than 70 years after the fact and know nothing about the circumstances.
I’m struggling to understand what responsibilities, if any, I have with respect to what I’ve learned. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
I’m sorry that your father kept from his children the fact that he had an earlier family. And if he didn’t tell your mother, that was especially wrong. But divorce was more stigmatized and less common in the 1950s. In those circumstances, it’s not surprising that people sometimes covered it up. Were you to share with family members what you’ve discovered, you could remind them of how times have changed and how your father’s choice to keep this secret, while regrettable, might have felt necessary to him then.
It shouldn’t feel necessary to you now. We are entitled to know the truth about important facts in our family histories, as I’ve often said, and taking down the web page would just continue the concealment your father began. Nor, in an age of genealogy databases and DNA testing, is this information likely to stay buried.
I recognize that, as so often, there may be a conflict between two values: helping people face reality and avoiding unnecessary pain. But think about your mother, the person most likely to be seriously upset by the news (assuming it’s indeed news to her). Surely it would be better that the revelation come from you, rather than a stranger online. You could process it together and decide what it means, rather than leaving her to stumble on it later and wonder why you kept her in the dark.
A Bonus Question
While traveling in a poor country, I hired a tour guide who was kind but objectively subpar. He has since texted repeatedly, asking for a five-star review, which he relies on for income. Is it ethical to give a glowing review to avoid harming him, even if it misleads future travelers? — Lance Tukell, Brooklyn
From the Ethicist:
You know this man. You don’t know the travelers you would mislead by misrepresenting his skills. So I understand the temptation to wrong those strangers and do your acquaintance a favor. But you would be wronging them. You would also be wronging other guides in his country who, like him, depend on this work for their livelihood and who, unlike him, do it well, whether because they’re better suited to the task or have taken more trouble to become good at it. If you want to help him, you could try to explain to him how he could have earned a five-star review. That might be awkward and would certainly be harder than coming through with those five stars. Still, it’s a form of assistance that doesn’t involve disadvantaging others.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was torn about whether to tell her new boyfriend about her infidelity in an earlier relationship. She wrote:
Twenty years ago, I had an affair that ended my marriage. I feel immense shame and regret about my behavior back then (which I am trying to work through in therapy), and I am now dating someone whom I have not told about the affair. He knows I started seeing someone as my marriage was deteriorating, before the divorce was final, but I have not admitted the full truth. I can feel the weight of withholding this information, but I also do not want to admit to or discuss this terrible thing I did so long ago. Do I need to tell him? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
Especially early in a relationship, a potential partner doesn’t have to be informed about every past wrong, even the serious ones. Nobody expects you to put your worst foot forward. Still, as a relationship deepens, the history of previous partnerships inevitably comes up. And once you’re talking about it, holding back important aspects of the story can set you down a path of dishonesty. … If you hide the parts of your history that shaped who you are today, even the parts you regret, you are denying him the full context of a major event in your life and asking him to be in a relationship with a curated version of yourself. … It’s relevant that the affair isn’t a dimly recalled event but something you’re working through even now. Sharing that struggle could be a way to let your partner see who you are and what you take seriously today.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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This infidelity happened 20 years ago. The writer is now far older and wiser, and she’s obviously suffered greatly for this. I wouldn’t be in such a hurry to unload this information on the new partner. How would it help? Does the writer feel that her new partner might leave if he found out? Has he made comments about infidelity? I think this should stay between her and her god or conscience. Needing her partner to know the truth may be a way of asking for his forgiveness. But forgiveness is not his to give. She needs to forgive herself and move on. — Carol
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My husband had an affair during his first marriage. He told me about it early in our relationship, when we were already hitting it off to a degree that surprised both of us. That was 37 years ago. It helped establish a pattern of reasonable honesty that continues to be a big part of our relationship. Knowing that we can admit to our less positive actions in the past has meant a lot to both of us. We are all flawed human beings, so we might as well be up front about it and give ourselves and others some grace. It also helped that my husband had insight into why he had an affair, how guilty he felt during it, and why he ultimately ended it to see if his unhappy marriage could work. At the time, we didn’t know we’d eventually marry, but the discussion let us share our viewpoints on how each partner should work at a marriage. — Helen
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While it’s good the writer acknowledges and continues to work on what led her to that self-centered and damaging act, I don’t agree that as her new relationship deepens, all needs to be revealed. If she is confident that her acts then are things her “present day” self would never repeat, she should keep this to herself. She has worked hard to build a strong and compassionate character to share with her present partner. Holding things private is not being dishonest. We all have, and deserve, private lives. Even from our spouses. — Phyllis
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You feel that you did something wrong … 20 years ago! Welcome to the club. If your boyfriend is so judgmental that it’s a problem for him, you should be grateful to discover that now. Telling him about it is a great opportunity to talk about how you’ve each changed over the last 20 years, what you’ve each learned and what your approach to relationships and life is now. On the other hand, hiding it? That’s not a 20-year-old offense — that’s problematic behavior right now, and he has the right to be concerned about that. Be proud of how you’ve grown and who you’ve become. We’re all a work in progress, and it sounds like you feel you’re progressing. Keep it up, and don’t backtrack by hiding things from him. — Michael
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I’ve been in the letter writer’s shoes. Ultimately, this is a question of whether one hopes for true intimacy. Intimacy is built on authenticity and vulnerability — and the chance to be accepted as we are. That includes past infidelity, which was surely as complex as it was painful. Does the writer really want a relationship that requires forever hiding such a significant piece of herself? I hope the new partner appreciates the honesty and responds with love and compassion, as mine did. — Andrew
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