This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Dale Atkins, author of “The Turquoise Butterfly.” It has been edited for length and clarity.
I learned everything I know about being a grandparent from watching my own mother with my sons. She loved spending time with my kids, doing anything and everything they wanted to do. We were lucky that she was active and engaged until she died at 98.
Today, I’m 77, and I’m a grandmother myself to six teenagers and young adults — all of whom remember their great-grandmother. As a psychologist, I’m very interested in intergenerational relationships. They have so much potential, but can also be fraught with challenges.
I use these six steps to build healthier relationships.
Let the children’s interests lead
The best way to build rapport with your grandchildren is by simply showing up and showing interest. My mother did this, traveling to swim meets and holiday parties, even when she would have rather been in her garden. Even if you’re not interested in the same things as your grandkid, it’s OK to pretend — they’ll appreciate it.
If you’re sharing an experience, like taking your grandkid to a museum, don’t try to teach. Instead, sit back and see what catches their interest. Later, bring that up and see where the conversation leads.
Focus on support, above all else
The role of a grandparent is to support their children and grandchildren. Really try to understand how you can be helpful. Sometimes, that means putting your own wants aside.
I worked with a mother of three who was planning her daughter’s birthday. One grandmother visited from far away, and the little girl was fascinated with her, like a new toy. The local grandmother was so upset at being second fiddle that she sulked through the party, adding to the stress for the mother. Ultimately, the grandmother’s selfish behavior only damaged her own relationship with her daughter.
Give without expectations
It’s OK to have expectations in a relationship, but they can create conflict if they’re not clearly articulated. I see this all the time between grandparents and their own children. A grandparent might feel that paying for a child’s schooling gives them the entitlement to critique educational decisions, for example.
If you choose to give, it’s best not to expect anything in return. If you do expect something — like weekly family dinners in exchange for occasional babysitting — convey that to your family, and have an honest conversation. It’s OK to ask for things, but not to demand or threaten.
Recognize generational differences
When we’re talking about grandparents and grandkids, we’re discussing people who come from different eras, belief systems, and cultural traditions. It’s essential to acknowledge that each family member — child, parents, and grandparents — brings their own unique experiences.
Some experiences and values we’re able to share. Others, we’re not. It can be frustrating if your grandchildren aren’t interested in a story you feel is important, but oftentimes, they can’t understand it the same way you can, having lived through it.
Tell stories in small bites
Older people are the keepers of memories, and we often feel pressure to pass those stories on to the next generations. Yet, for many children, these stories are boring. Instead of launching into a family history lesson, share little snippets that really pique the kids’ interests. If you leave them wanting more and sharing the history, it will become more fun for all of you.
Ask more questions
Whether it’s with your grandkids or children, asking more questions is always beneficial. Instead of saying “That’s not how we did it in my day,” ask with genuine curiosity about a new parenting approach you’re seeing. If you truly want to know more, your family will recognize that and be happy to share.
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