After one too many lackluster dates or awkward interactions, you might be tempted to delete your dating profiles for good. But a new year may call for a different strategy: dating with intention.
This approach might help reduce the dissatisfaction that can happen from using dating appsand dating in general, a recent article suggests. It’s all about mindfully choosing partners — but not necessarily because you want to get married.
Dating with intention means knowing exactly what you want (a life partner, an occasional hookup, a date to your ex’s wedding) and being clear with yourself and others about your goals.
“Many associate dating with intention with a traditional, marriage-focused mindset, but it isn’t necessarily about finding ‘the one,’” said Jaime Bronstein, a licensed therapist and resident expert for Dating.com. “It’s about defining what you want and making the right choices to pursue that goal, whether you’re looking for a long-term or short-term relationship.”
In an article published last year, researchers analyzed the dating experiences of 375 single young adults and found that those with less relationship clarity — in other words, they didn’t have a clear idea about what they hoped to achieve by dating — had increased loneliness and decreased life satisfaction compared to those who had more insight into what they hoped to accomplish.
Over time, those who have vague dating goals may be more likely to become “more confused and pessimistic” at the likelihood of finding a satisfying relationship, concluded lead author Katya Kredl and colleagues at McGill University in Montreal. “People who have less clarity are less selective when choosing partners,” Kredl said. “They’re more likely to date incompatible partners because they don’t know what they’re looking for.” Those who knew what they wanted, on the other hand, were more satisfied overall even if they didn’t find a relationship during the study period, Kredl found.
“Decades of relationship science have shown that great relationships are formed, not found,” said Tyler Jamison, an associate professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies at the University of New Hampshire. Jamison wasn’t involved in the new article but she has found similar results in her own research. “Knowing your own relationship goals and values is critical for making intentional choices about what kind of partner you want and what kind of partner you want to be,” she said.
It can also help avoid modern dating woes like situationships or months idling in the talking stage. “Intentions aren’t meant to be limitations — they’re information that guides us,” said Jillian Turecki, author of “It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life.”
Here’s are some expert tips for dating with intention:
Be honest with yourself about what you want
While that sounds simple, it actually might be trickier than you think. “Get honest about what your nervous system is looking for, not just what sounds good on paper,” said Julie Menanno, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime.” “Ask yourself, ‘What are the emotional needs I’m hoping a relationship will meet?’ ‘Do I want consistency and long-term safety, or am I looking for connection and joy without the weight of long-term responsibility?’”
Try to cut through the noise of what you “should” have at a specific point in your life, Turecki said. What do you need? If that’s someone who cooks you dinner but lets you have your king bed all to yourself, so be it.
Start by writing or thinking about what has felt nourishing or draining in past relationships, Menanno said. Then ask yourself what emotions arise when you think about getting close to someone new. Finish by writing or thinking about how you want a partner to make you feel. These answers should reveal whether you’re interested in a relationship that’s serious, casual or somewhere in between.
To help you uncover what you want, it might also help to talk to a therapist, life coach or trusted friend, Bronstein said.
Communicate your needs clearly
Don’t hold back or hesitate when it comes to explaining what you want. “When apps allow you to state your intentions, be up-front and honest,” said Turecki.
If you meet someone in the wild, bring up your intentions as quickly as you can, Bronstein said. That’ll likely be in your first conversation or on your first date.
Ask key questions
“Don’t be afraid to ask the important questions. You’re not persuading or negotiating; you’re sharing what you’re seeking,” Bronstein said. And remember: It’s less important whether they like you. It’s about whether you like them.
Try talking to them about what they’ve sought out in previous relationships, what dynamics have worked for them in the past and what type of commitment they’d be interested in now.
Avoid people who aren’t the right fit
As with all dating, there’s a chance the other person won’t be aligned with your intentions.
“There’s no point in playing games and pretending you’re looking for something you’re not. You’ll simply attract people who aren’t aligned, and the hard truth is that you won’t be able to change your intentions, no matter how much you like each other,” Turecki said.
Don’t be afraid to walk away
You might start to date someone who seemed like a match but quickly realize they weren’t honest about their intentions. Or they aligned perfectly with your goals — yet the spark just isn’t there. It’s okay to cut ties to save yourself (and the other person) from staying too long.
“The fear of being single is why people are more likely to settle for less and stay in unsatisfying relationships,” Kredl said. Remember that it’s possible to be happy and fulfilled with or without a relationship.
Don’t take rejection personally
If someone breaks things off once you communicate your needs, they want something different, and that’s okay.
“We live in a world overflowing with options, and humans aren’t built to navigate limitless choice,” Menanno said. “We have to define our parameters, not to restrict connection but to create enough clarity to actually find it.”
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